i just finished talking with kuya jaurel. wala lang.. last kong sinabi is.. natatakot akong umuwi, kasi baka prati nlang akong awayin ni red.. i'm scared.. wala lang, because of the past maybe. lam nyo ba before wala lang, natatakot ako kay red. kapag nggalit xa, he'd be an entirely different person. alala ko before, kasi 2:45 uwian ko pero 4:30 pa ako ssunduin, pmunta akong villamor. plan ko balikan ako. pero i don't remember what happened, nagalit xa. to cut it short, hindi ako nkabalik ng school ng 4:30.. went home late. know what he did? mental torture.. maybe? basta he wouldn't give me my bag.. i took my cellphone. ngttext na ung sundo ko, he deleted it. he scares me. ung lam mo ung calm terror? i mean, he's doing nothing physically, pero natatkot ka.

i'm scared. i don't want him to do those things again. but, can i really make him stop his old ways? i'm scared.. and lonely.

title-less.

i've noticed that i only write in this blog when i'm sad or what. haay. i just feel sad hehe.. it's sad to be alone. i know that i am not alone, i have people far away.. pero, iba padin ung kasama mo, as in ung nahahawakan mo at nakkita. it's been a long time since i've really talked to heart to heart with someone really close to me. it's depressing.. my life seems surreal, unreal, in an odd way. my life revolves around this laptop, my lifeline. it's like, the people i talk to here are part of the system. do you think there will ever be a chance that those people i could see? i never like tears, tears are for sissies. sissies like me..

haay... talking to kat kanina, i don't know. lam mo un, i would want to hear her kwentos pero deep inside, i don't. don't get me wrong.. wala lang, i feel kasi, sa totoo lang i feel hurt. why? because i know those things will never happen to me. not that there wouldn't be a chance, pero everything seems happening to her right now. hehe she's happy, i know it. wala lang, pero instead of lessening the depression, i feel it just adds to it. wala lang.. i'm happy for her naman eh.. gets mo ba? i mean, wala lang hearing kwentos, happy ones about her and kuya, makes me sad and just, even lonelier. when i go to red's house, he doesn't want me to stay hehe. i mean, ayaw nyang dun kami. once nga lang ako nkapasok ng bahay nila eh hehe. wala lang.. oh well, this is what happens when i go multiply/friendster/whatever surfing. i see other people's lives and wish mine was like that too. i think i have a self-confidence/self-esteem problem. haay. sad.

you know what i've resorted to? reality shows. my weakness/demise. currently watching a few.. real housewifes of orange county, top design, girls next door.. favorite haha, the hills, whatever. know why the sudden draw to the tellie?? got a tv in my room now. grr. more reason not to get out of bed. i'm on a bum diet. sleep, computer, tv, eat. and do it all over again. shet. now where is advancement now huh?

watched the season finale of the OC kanina. even though i haven't watched it for more than a year. anyway. well, i was watching it for the hype eh.. it was on the news eh.. "Season Finale of the OC, Thursday, right after American Idol, Only on FOX." soo, got my fix of American Idol, which i must say, i'm following also, and, watched the OC next. oh well, everyone was happy. broken down mansion.. moved to first home.. Summer and Cohen first living together, bumming.. watching tv all day.. Summer giving up dream of being an activist for GEORGE.. summer and cohen finally realizing wow we should do something with our lives.. summer went to be an activist saying, "Cohen, you are my destiny" aww how sappy.. and the end end END!! summer and cohen getting married. oohh so well i'm only interested in summer and cohen so what! haay. well, nice kind of a distraction i must say hehe. after that.. uhh.. nothing.

oh well got to sleep. need to wake up early. i hope. get to talk to red at least. hope. hope. hope. haay still sad. that summer and cohen thing helped though. ohh summer and cohen.

a harsh yet true realization.

i feel sad right now because i am so stuck. stuck in the past while everyone else has obviously moved on to a better pasture. right now, i don't know, i feel like crying in my own little cave. i see other people's multiplies, friendsters, whatever.. and i see them having fun, enjoying college life, living life. and i don't know.. i'm stuck. literally stuck. can't even talk to my best friend right now because her boyfriend's with her. and her laptop's dead so still. not that it's bad.. and not that i'm not happy for her. ala lang, i usually check her friendster, and still it's like, last logged in: 24 hours. i'm like aww.. she can't even say anything more than "helo" or something huhu in yahoo messenger nga eh. hehe you'd expect at least may emoticon or something or something longer pero wala.. just, helo.

i just feel so sad. hehe speaking of friendster pa.. wala lang i remembered, i was playing with the featured friends option sa friendster. xempre theres red.. kat.. red.. kat..? ok so i put kuya jaurel.. and nikole.. .... ... ... ... ... i couldn't think of anymore.. haha can you imagine that?? i've got like 400 atang friends in friendster and i can't even choose 6 out of the hat! shet. kat and red. after that, i'm sort of blank. yes, friend din nman si kuya jau, and si nikole, pero not like what i share with kat and red. haha lam mo nilagay ko nlang pra di nman mukhang bunge? i put ung filipina classmate ko ngang si giezel on there, and would you believe, ahoy-juniors. ok how lame can i be? hehe.

i'm always complaining about something noh? wala lang.. i'm really sad.