awww..

wala lang. i was so excited to get into thor and spend a little more time with red. pero hindi nman ako mkapasok. kung kelan wala silang pasok. haay. parati nlang ang malas namin. as if hindi kami pingtatagpo. there was this one time pa, nghhintayan kami hehe ang weird. he was texting me pala, pero ung messages lahat bumagsak nung wala na, tapos na break ko. how unfortunate. grr.

i haven't been myself lately. feeling all down and i don't know.. anyway, 5 more days and red and i will be having our 22nd monthsary na hehe. sometimes i wonder, wow ang tagal na pala namin.. time seems to be flying so fast. haay we've been through so much already.. so many emotions have passed between us. anger, depression, loss, sadness, commitment, love.. so much love. it's hard to imagine that all of these happened during a span of less than two years. hehe. i want to fall all over for a thousand times. i miss my beb.. my babuy. hehe i know i can't be all lovey-dovey to him kasi, ayaw nya daw. he just becomes sad. so eto. i'll be lovey-dovey to him without him knowing about it. i'll be his babuy forever.. he'll be my babuy. that's what i'll call him even though he doesn't like it. hehe. i'll be rebelliously in love. i don't care hehe. i need to love and be loved in return. i love my beb..

mgtetelebabad ako sa knya./gg my dad has those cards at home na ewan ko kng gngamit so kkupit akong isa haha. or two? or three? haha bahala na! i'm just waiting for that time when i will be able to hear his voice again. the last time i talked to him was.. on his birthday. october 1. haay hehe i wish na mas mdalas kaming nkkapagusap. his yahoo voice doesn't work so out of the options na un. hehe snabi ko sa knya na sana he would call me naman, or write to me.. but he hasn't done so. anyway, hehe i don't want any gifts or what, i just want a letter. that's what i've been telling him dati pa.. na sana he would write naman. before i wrote to him often. pero ngaun, prang wala lang, not that i don't want to anymore, it's just prang di nman narereciprocate ung gngawa mo eh.. oh well. cge ssulat ako kasi mtagal na akong hindi ngssulat eh hehe. for christmas.^_^

eto na ang end ng rambling post na toh. wala lang. red didn't go online in ym. haay. sad. oh well.. next time cguro.. next time.. next time.. next time.. next time.. next time.. haay.

here's the damage.

ok, we just got home from shopping.>.<>.<) haha kasi nung una, i was leaning away.. mali kasi ung akala kong prices eh. un pala whoa! i should have bought more hehe. it was fun hehe.. my mom and i were laughing nung sa cash register na haha.. kasi we couldn't believe na ang dami naming nabili and un lang ung total ahha! my mom bought maybe more or less 20 items.. which included rubber shoes for yado, black shoes for enzo, 2 pairs of shoes for her, and a lot of clothes for them>.<>.< well, that may seem, "whoa!" na hehe pero take note, 20 items noh! hahaha..

ako naman.. i bought... 3 pairs of shoes, jeans, capris, hoop earrings (haha try ko lang first time hehe..), and a shirt(grr i should have bought more>.<). everything for 30 dollars..^_^ aus na noh hehehe..

anyway, i just wanted to report hehe. wala lang, shopping does make me feel better.^_^ hehe lalu na ung alam mong bargain at nkasave hehe mas mgandang feeling hehe. anyway, aun gising na si red.. ngtext na xa.. once plang. he only texts me once a day nlang.. oh well, i shouldn't complain.

oo nga pala, nguupload akong pics sa multiply ko hehe ung mga sa circus and stuff so check nyo nlnag hehe. sana maupload ko na coz third time ko na unulit and in some way, ngsstop. soo hehe wish me luck.

i'm still a nervous wreck/unromanced/unhappy person hahahaa. but shopping made me feel better if only for a few hours.^_^

New Post.

i couldn't think of anything to title this post kaya un nlang hehe. anyway.. long weekend na i'm beat. pero eto momy ko nkakita ng sale pa sa draryo soo.. shopping ulit>.<>.< anyway, last night, when we got home from lakeland, 3 hours away, aun nkalaro pa kami ni red. red can be the most un-romantic person in the world, which makes me sad kasi i love romance hehe, pero kgabi he said something na at least nkamelt ng puso ku hehe..


diane: *singing* hindi ka ba napapagod.. hindi ka ba nagsasawa.. sa ating mga tampuhan, wlang hangang ktapusan..

red: hindi

diane: anong hindi?? (not getting it yet)

red: hehe wala lang..

diane: *realizes* ahhh!! hehehe thanks beb...^___^


haay hehe that was one good part of it. anyway, ala lang, i get envious of those couples who don't think of the cost, the game, or whatever, ung isa't isa lang. haay hehe i got dissapointed kasi, sabi ni red.. nung ngbbye na kami, he'll text me, di un mdyo eexpect ako na pgkagising ko, may text sana. pero wala.. hehe ang sbi nya, hehe sayang eh.. hhintayin ko nlang kpag gising ka. aww.. in a way aus padin, he waited for me to really read it, pero sana iba padin un.

i feel really un-romanced lately haha. and sad, and lonely. pero oh well.. i have to be thankful padin in a way. i have someone whose still there, despite being really out of funds, despite the distance, despite the un-romancing attitude, and despite all the heartaches, trials, and everything. i shouldn't ask for more.. or should i?

Nakapagtataka.

Walang tigil ang gulo sa aking pag-iisip
mula ng tayo’y nagpasyang maghiwalay
nagpaalam pagkat hindi tayo bagay
nakapagtataka, ooh-wooh

Kung bakit ganito ang aking kapalaran
di ba ilang ulit ka ng nagpaalam bawat paalam ay puno ng iyakan
nakapagtataka, nakapagtataka

[refrain]
Hindi ka ba napapagod
o di kaya’y nagsasawa
sa ating mga tampuhan walang hanggang katapusan
napahid nang mga luha
damdamin at puso’y tigang
wala ng maibubuga
wala na akong maramdaman
kung tunay tayong nagmamahalan
ba’t di tayo magkasunduan, ooh.. oohh

Walang tigil ang ulan at nasaan ang araw
napa’no nang pag-ibig sa isa’t-isa
wala na bang nananatiling pag-asa
nakapagtataka, saan na napunta?

Hindi ka ba napapagod
o di kaya’y nagsasawa
sa ating mga tampuhan walang hanggang katapusan
napahid nang mga luha
damdamin at puso’y tigang
wala ng maibubuga
wala na akong maramdaman
kung tunay tayong nagmamahalan
ba’t di tayo magkasunduan, ooh.. oohh

Walang tigil ang ulan at nasaan ang araw
napa’no nang pag-ibig sa isa’t-isa
wala na bang nananatiling pag-asa
nakapagtataka, nakapagtataka

Hindi ka ba napapagod
o di kaya’y nagsasawa
sa ating mga tampuhan walang hanggang katapusan
napahid nang mga luha
damdamin at puso’y tigang
wala ng maibubuga
wala na akong maramdaman
napahid nang mga luha
damdamin at puso’y tigang
wala ng maibubuga
wala na, wala na akong maramdaman
kung tunay tayong nagmamahalan ba't di tayo magkasunduan

happy thanksgiving.

.. although for me, there's nothing really to thank/celebrate for. i'm terribly sad. but i don't show it haha. i don't want others affected with what i feel, not that i have that many i could confide in. i'm freely going to lakeland na, sa relatives namin for this weekend. bahala na what happens. haay i haven't texted red yet.. since this morning. paninindigan ko tlaga if that's what he wants. playing thor has not brought any good to our relationship. don't know why. haay.. i'll just go and eat leftover turkey. haha just posted, JUST BECAUSE. i'm terribly person-sick hehe. oh well.. di nga ako pmunta sa dun sa thanksgiving dinner dun ke tita lorreto.. didn't want to anyway. ala lang, maybe may text or something eh. oh well. i'm have ham and turkey.. good. maybe tomorrow will cheer me up haha. SALE. something to take my mind off the problem haha!!

i'm level 55 na in thor.. thanks to red hehe. the leveled more than half of that. thanks thanks. as if nman mbbasa nya haha. msama loob ko. here's an excerpt(>.<) from our altercation kanina.


diane: ano gusto mo kpag pmunta ako dyan itatali mo ko?
red: hindi. i'm not expecting naman anything from you.. i'm not expecting na ppunta ka.
diane: ah ganun pala o sige don't expect anything!!

wala.. it hurts.


P.S. to people out there reading this blog.. you know who you are.. pede favor?? can you just not mention this to me? i mean, don't make me feel better or worse or whatever. it's not that i don't appreciate the kindness and support, it's just that i don't want to talk anything about it. not now. i have a lot on my mind now.. thanks to me not talking all day. hahahah.


thank you, thank you for reading/commenting my posts. it's just nice when you here other people's thoughts on what you think. hehe dati kasi prang all i had to talk to was.. my head. hehe mga tanong ko and thoughts, utak/heart ko ngdedeliberate at sumasagot. it's just.. sad. it's sad to be alone talaga. i wish no one else feels like this. it's even sadder when you go online, wishing, hoping, PLEADING na sana andun ung ibang tao, and all you get is.. more sadness. this is where i pour out. this is my journal.


KUYA JAUREL, gmawa ka na ng blogger account mo nlang hehe. so that, i could make this my private blog.. just as ung ke kat. haha i just opened this kasi kat can't get into my blog dati. now i bet kat can get in.. right kat?? i mean, para kau lang ni kat nkkabasa hehe.

till here muna. am planning on sleeping early tonight.. i have to wake up early tomorrow. the stores open early.. about 5 am haha. unahan kasi sa mga stuff eh. well, wish me luck waking up! ahahhaa. basta final na.. SONY CYBERSHOT DSC-W50. haha i won't change my mind na.. hehe ang gulo ko kasi eh! anyway, I'LL DROWN MYSELF IN FOOD AND COKE NALANG! WISH ME LUCK!! TURKEY AND HAM, MAGTAGO NA KAYO!!!

o cge ha.

dadrama-drama ka hindi mo nman kayang panindigan.





cge pwes.. di mo ko mrrinig hngang mgsorry ka. sorry na ha, cge oo di ko nga kayang panindigan.. sorry chncheck kita eh. o cge paninindigan ko hngang kaya ko. bahala ka.

4 day weekend woohoo.

it's officially the start of the thanksgiving holiday and boy, prang xmas dito ang atmosphere. anyway.. i am a bit troubled. why? kasi.. yes 4 day weekend nga PERO.. eto ang schedule..


Thursday: Lunch- dito with sila tito Ruben.. thanksgiving lunch daw..
Dinner- dun sa isang friend na AYOKONG puntahan kasi un ung ayoko na babae. (for info, scroll down lets say a couple of posts.. as in a COUPLE. name nya, tita loretto. eww.)

Friday: Morning- sale nga to buy my camera and other stuff.
Afternoon- most likely ppunta sa doctor for my knee. grr.

Saturday-Sunday: momy ko balak pmunta sa relatives namin, 3 hours away, para wla lang. haven't seen them in.. months.


SO.. what is the problem you might ask? EVERYTHING. haay. this is the time to spend time with red eh, kahit online lang nga, but still spend some time. pero, jammed packed. prang ayoko na nga pmunta dun sa saturday sunday pero nkkahiya nman sa relatives namin.. shet naman naiiyak ako eh. i need to give him time too..T_T huhuhu. i miss him so much eh eto na nga ung chance, and still i can't.. give that to him!! huhuhu. what kind of girlfrend am i? huhuhu. am i selfish? huhuhu..

it's warming to see new love blossom before your eyes/screen. hehe. which makes me long for my beb more. huhu. which makes me see things na.. aww sana ganyan din kami. i know that is wrong. what they have is theirs.. we have our own. wala lang. i'd love to be treated as a girl for once again hehe. i mean.. ung mga lovey-doveys and kiligs.. ung prang ligaw ligaw ulit hehe! oh well.. we have each other.^_^

diane is in.. SHOPPING MODE.

haha. i'm not really a shopaholic.. or a "material" girl. but this time, waaa!! there's just so many choices. this is the biggest sale of the year they say. BLACK FRIDAY. the day after thanksgiving. shet i am going gaga. grrr!! i WAS settled with the sony i picked na pero, as i saw some of the flyers in the mail, grr. there was the casio elixim, a 6mp digicam, and it was like 150 dollars!!! grrr! xempre i'd love to have a bargain noh. i'm just really waiting for the circuit city or target or some other techie store to bring out their ads and waiting for that SONY. shheeezz! and! i am buying na xmas gifts for family then, kasi din nman helo? why waste money on one thing eh eto na nga lower prices?? haha. so ano sa inyong tingin? PS2 pra sa mga kpatid ko.. or 2-screen dvd player for the car? natturn-off na ako with buying the dvd player kasi most of the reviews i read are not good so hohumm ako. OR.. i could just buy them individual gifts. pede din haha. OH MY GOD, I'M STUFF CRAZY!!

on the other hand naman.. leaning away from the material world (Jesus forgive me.. connect?) knina sa composition class grr!!! we could have gotten 5 additional points sa final!! but it was my fault!! grrr. anyway.. haha had fun anyway, A FIRST. haha. shet kasi grr.. prang ung highest group na mkascore sa comma game gets un nga, 5 points. grrr!! and our group was like, IN THERE! one point lang ung lamang eh! huhu and if it weren't for that question i got wrong. oh well... haha i answered most of it soo.. good job me!

a diane blog is not complete without the mention of my buchukuy red.^_^ haha. kanina i thought na hindi na xa mkkapagonline, kasi anong oras na nun noh, past 12 in the philippines. and he was there.^_^ anyway, he was installing games daw dun sa shop ng frend nya.. (fyi. *kay kat* ang shop ng kaberks ni red/san xa tambay ay 2 shops away lang sa shop na nsa kanto ng street nyo. un lang.^_^) and he was waiting for me.^_^ anyway, pasalamat na din ako dun sa friend nya, kung nbbasa man nya itesh, THANK YOU DUDE TOL. hehe eh kasi since inaaus ni red ung mga comp dun, libre laro si red.^_^ so anytime nkkalaro si red.^_^ ako nman sagot ko internet card nya haha. so ragna load nlang at cell load ang sagot nya.^^ in a way nsisiyahan akong mkatulong.^_^ it's my way na din of repaying what he did dati.^^ dati ba alam nyo ate at kuya, si red bumibili ng load ko nung start plang kami..T_T i mean, eh baon ko lang nman is 100 per day eh alam nyo nman kming mttakaw, MATAKAW, kaya buti na kng my more than 50 na msave. eh kpag naubus na ung load, UBUS NA. eh xempre, being the new couple that we once were, we wanted to talk nonstop. kaya un.. huhu kahit gabi na, he would go out of his way para bilhan ako ng load.. 100 prati. almost every night. huhu. now it's my turn.^_^ i'll support him.. as he supports me.^_^ i love our relationship, i love my beb.^_^

eto at ako ay nsa kadulu-duluhan na ng aking pgkkwento, haha. ngstart as english na english, ngend ng tagalog. haha. ako ay ngau'y mgaaral sa isa sa pinakaayaw kong subject, ANATOMY. ayoko isipin mga nervous systemness ko noh!! humph! oh well no choice. kelangan mgaral. ang panget!

katrina mycah faicol ferrer!! kung ikaw ay binasa, ngbasa, ngbabasa o babasahin plang eto.. ako ay may mlaking pasalamat at hiling!! malaking malaking salamat!!! salamat sa load sa ragnarok na thor!! eto naman ang aking hiling/request/tanong..

diane: *beautiful eyes, beautiful eyes..* pede akong mgpabili ng ragnarok online load please pwede?? *beautiful eyes, beautiful eyes..* hahahahhahaha!!!

freezing and i don't know.. FREEZING?!

grrr. it's freezing here. talaga. the temperature, average temp for today is in the 10 degrees celsius, more or less. let's just say, kung ung dati, in high school, na nllamigan na at the 18-degree mark, eh pano nman toh noh? my joints are hurting na. humm... should i buy gloves?? hehehe. over nman ata because i don't see other people wearing gloves.. anyway, i think the cold is the cause of my throwing up kgabi. i threw up everything i ate, crispy pata and all, for the whole day. three times ako sumuka!! i am not liking this cold weather.. NO.

anyway, have yet to hear from red.. since my CHIKKA is unwantedly broken. grrr!! just when things were heating up again.. poof! grrr. anyone out there who could help me fix chikka?? haha. ngpaparinig../gg. red and me are.. GOOD *with a big grin on my face.^_^* wala lang, forget about the past stuff, we are about the now. haay.. i don't know why i'm reacting/feeling this way, it must be because ang tagal na naming di nguusap and talking to him has had such a welcoming feeling. humph.. pero xempre lalake, you know, so un.. expecting lambings and all pero, wala msyado. but i'm happy with that.^_^ i got to talk to him and that's what matters.<3

woohoo! roughly 6 months to go until i go home! it's awefully a long time pero, think positive nlang so.. 6 months nalang!! woohoo! /gg. haay, it's nearing the thanksgiving holiday na and wala lang, i'm not excited about the turkey, or the 4day break. know what i'm excited about?? I'M BUYING MY DIGITAL CAMERA!!! woohooo! thanksgiving daw according to my mom has the biggest sales of the year kaya haha ihahanda ko na ang aking wallet noh! haahah! anyway, i will settle for the sony cybershot 6mp.. (i think DSC-W50.) but then i'm having reservations kung 7mp nlang. grr!! i want!! pero yesterday, when we went to target.. saw the 6mp model and it was.. SWHEET!! waw ang thin haha. pero pero.. my mom said na olympus daw is a better brand, known for their cameras.. SOO help ulit.><

i'm stopping here.. haha will play ragnarok and hopefully, if red hasn't played it last night, reach level 40 or even 50!! i love red! haha.

it's freezing cold here.

it's freezing cold here, colder than the aircon turned on. anyway, i was bluer than blue since yesterday, but NHOMORE! hehe. anyway, forget about that, i just won't call red babuy anymore. so much for that lambing nickname. i'll just have to make up another for my.. tabachingching!^_^ hehehe.. anyway, we just came back from our tito and tita's unit just in the same apartment complex.. they bought the pay-per-view pacquiao vs. morales and filipinos are there. anyway, i'd love to stay and watch.. but you know the atmosphere.. hard drinks, drunken men.. scary. AND, i promised red, na, when he wakes up and goes online, i'm there. so here i am, extra early so that i'm here.^_^

i'm planning to watch the da vinci code WHILE playing ragnarok.. benefits of a laptop haha.^_^ although i was so sad and down yesterday and this afternoon, crying even, forget it nlang. it's already past. time for the now.^_^ oohh haha i'm here in the sala watching the da vinci code.. watched it yesterday and it was great.^_^ haha i'm collecting dvds now.. original ha. wlang pirated dito soo.. un hehe, the last count, 14 dvds na.. targeting for at least 20 by the year's end.^_^

congrats kuya jau and kat.. happy for you both.^_^ hehe one month nlang kita na kau oh hehe. buti pa kau.. but then i still hold myself lucky padin.. even though, you know, others may be.. luckier. i have my beb, even though we have so many trials, differences and hardships, we can get through this.. i know we will.

anyway ok hehe.. i'm off to play now. haha i have a goal! level 30 at least and reach 1 million zenies in red's character.^_^ i'm hunting for a card.. well after i reach level 30..^_^

afi' dazee..

nice to clear that out.

i got to talk to kat today/tonight and got to clear up some issues.. nice to have that out.^_^ anyway, hehe kita mo nga were talking right now oh hehe.. nice to get to talk to somebody.^_^

anyway.. i got surprised today while i was browsing through friendster. one of my cousins, no mention of the name nlang, who is barely a year older than me, is already a father. i was so shocked. i wouldn't want to post the pic of them here nlang because it's disrespectful pero i was just shocked. he is a father already. i never knew. i can't even think straight! waaa i don't know now.. why is it that it's like acceptable already? i don't know. i'd love to have a baby now hehe.. pero in reality, i'm still thinking of my future noh. i can't support it, can't feed it with just my own money. i will not sacrifice the quality of life i want my child to grow in just because. haay. i am feeling mixed emotions too. un nga, shock.. disbelief.. and he's only a year ahead of me! the baby it seems pa looks like he's almost a year old soo.. does that mean, he made the baby at 17.. arrived at 18.. and now? unimaginable. i can't imagine myself like that. i want a certain future, something which i could be proud of. pero diba nga, i remember before, i was saying, gusto ko ung mgging anak ko prang barkada ko lang. ung gusto nya gusto ko din, share ng secrets, ung anak ko will treat me as his/her bestfrend. i never got to share my secrets with my mom. i nver was comfortable telling my mom what i felt really. i want to be the perfect mother to my future kid. i know i won't be able to provide that if i were still studying.. still growing myself. i want to be able to teach him what is right and what is wrong, which i can't say when i too am still figuring that out. i am too young to be a mother. but when that time comes, i will be the best mother i could be.^_^

red and i are okay now. i hope. i still have certain reservations about it, but, i'm setting my pride aside. if he is not telling the truth.. well, be it on his conscience.^_^ between him and the internet, i'd choose him anyday.^_^

i forgive, yet again.

it's funny what love does tlaga. haay. i love red so much that i could be so hurt one minute and forgiving him the next. haay. he said that he didn't go online daw last night.. HE WAS SLEEPING. uhmm i'd love to say.. "riggghhhttt..." pero if that's what he says, kahit na gano ako kahurt, fine cge sabi mo eh. i trust you. haay kung ngssinungaling xa sakin, be it on his conscience. i am showing myself, laying everything on the line. haay. put down the pride once again, if i still have one. haay. maybe it was just frendster na mtagal mgupdate diba? probably. haay. many reasons and proofs but bahala na. haay, I AM DEPRESSED. SO MUCH. no one to turn to, haay. i am a very lonely person haha. that reminds me of something! "hahahaha", "aaahhh".. wala lang, words from the uninterested. sorry for the bitterness but i am sad and forlorn. torn and angry. weary and drained.





nasan na ung dating diane..

here i will vent.

galit ako. nasaktan ako. alam nyo kung bakit? kita nyo nga tagalog na ako ngssalita eh. i don't want to cry.. why? kasi 8 plang at momy ko labas pasok ng kwarto ko at namppintas ng kung ano ano. but that's not the problem. NO. it's far from that. alam mo ung frendster. diba ngsshow dun kpag may bagong ngyyari sa site/account ng mga tao? i don't know if that is true or what pero eto. ANDUN SI RED. "added new friends". know when? november 14,2006. meaning, kaninang hapon/tanghali when i was sitting in the damn library WAITING. di man lang ngtext, chikka o kahit ano. nghhintay, ngaalala. un pala, most likely ngraragnarok.. nkkipaglandian sa kng sinong mga babaeng un. baka kalaro sa ragnarok. the hell. bahala na nga. I AM VERY HURT. I'M CRYING INSIDE. THANKS A LOT. THANKS A LOT. PARA AKONG TANGA. HAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!!

thoughts in the garden.

i am here now, on a chilly tuesday morning, the the reflection garden.. or whatever this garden's name is. anyway, i'm here in school early and i have nothing to do.. waiting for red as usual. waiting in vain. haay. i don't know why he's not going online lately.. before even if my school he would do so, mgoonline padin xa kahit alam nyang wala ako. maybe he got tired of it? coz i'm starting to get tired waiting in vain too. i don't want to pero in reality, oo ngssawa din ako. sabi kahapon ni kuya jau, maybe today will be a better day? well as i'm starting it, nada. not a good day, yet. i am really doubting if red will still go online after 12 here or something. he goes to school at 7.. the only thing he does text about. after that, rare na. haay. he'd text.. paalis na daw xa ng bahay and he's about to be late.. gnyan ganyan..

don't get me wrong. nilalabas ko lang ung frustration ko of him not being there all the time. i miss it. i need him too. haay. my need has to wait.. he has to focus on his studies. he sacrificed for me before, now it's my time to sacrifice. it's just i miss him so much. Lord help me through this day..

for better or for worse... i will still love you...^_^

i love red. the previous posts have mirrored my feelings.. fear, and lonliness. it was only me worrying, missing red too much. you know, i've felt alone these past few days.. and it's just, unknown to me. the feeling was uncalled for but it came. you saw me wishing for red to talk to me.. but i didn't understand his position too. i was too selfish and only though of myself. he has had long days in school, a minimal budget which he goes with everyday.. haay. i am still thankful though, because even through those challenges he still manages, even for just one text, to text me. to let me know that he is there. it was me who was wrong. it was me who failed to recognize this. i thank you red, my babuy. you've given me so much..


this is just the ramdomness i felt just these very moments. haha welcome to my pink/red room! feel free to comment.

the pink/red room and the frame.

the lamp and the wall.

the study table.

marshmallows on the pink bed.

diane eating the marshmallows.

metallic diane.

waiting in vain.

falling out of love..

IS IT POSSIBLE?

after so much has happened between the two of us, after all the trials we've come to face, and conquer, is it possible to fall out of love? i know that is a definite possibility, but call me hard-headed, i refuse to acknowledge that. no we are not falling out of love, no. it's just that we are busy with things right now.. him with school and me, with school and work. it just plagues me to think that, what if? thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. call me sappy, but i've been a wet rag these past days. i easily cry. i'm not ashamed of this..

this weekend, when we usually talked like 10 hours a day or more (figuratively speaking.. which is quite right din naman.) before, ngaun, the most was 3 hours. for the whole weekend. i am troubled by this. i cannot live with that. 3 hours in two days? no.

i know there are reasons, he has to sleep early, i understand. his schedule starts early at 7-7:30 monday-friday. i too have work and school. but what i can't understand is.. before we got to adjust to this. we made it work. why isn't now working? well, i'm just not used to this. i'm so confused.

the Lord answered my prayers yesterday, He made me happy for a few moments. but then it was gone. happy one moment, sad the next. i am a walking wreck.

Lord, please guide me through life.

life Lord has not been an easy task for me. it's been an uphill and downhill climb for me. there has been a few highs, and a number of lows too.


i know this is all a test Lord, this is how i treat everything. this is all a test.


i know that you separated red and me to test the loyalty and love we have for each other. i know that you brought me here for a reason.


i'm failing Lord, my defenses are starting to fall. help me keep them up, Lord, give me strength.


Sometimes i just cry out of frustration, out of hurt, out of fear, out of loneliness. Things go through my mind, it must be the devil at work making me lose my focus.


I think a lot and in those thoughts, i think of the what if's, the what might's, the until when's, the how's, the why's.. it is an endless process.


sometimes i feel alone, sometimes i don't. Lord, i know your listening. listen please to my plea.


i'm not asking for happily ever after's, i just want everything to be alright. make me happy Lord, i ask not of material things. i merely want happiness Lord, and that i see in the people i'm not with right now.


i let the tears flow Lord, for tears give me a much appreciated relief. relief from the hurt and sorrow, and from everything else that is going on. life is not bitter i know, but in my mind it seems to be. Lord help me through it.


i've addressed you lord in my past posts. i know your the only one i can turn too. You've helped me through thigh corners before. little things that have gone unnoticed. i know now that it was You all along, You Lord gave me knowledge and wisdom, trials and tests, which until now i've learned to accept.


but this time Lord, i don't know. i'm starting to be weak. i cry to release some of the pain, the hurt, the pressure. but Lord that isn't enough. haha am i going crazy?


I NEED HELP LORD.

bitterness will bring me nowhere.

well, red got mad at me kasi i told him that i was wearing nail polish. i'm not mad at him for getting mad over that.. i understand naman eh, he just wants me simple. he wants me to focus on other stuff like studying and homeworks instead na ngppaint ako ng nails. i understand him naman he has a valid point.. i just wanted to try something new!! that's all naman eh.. it's just eggplant colored nails.. did i go too far?

i don't know sabi ni red prang wag daw ako gmaya ng ibang tao. be AKO. sabi nya baka since nkkita nyang uso naman ung sex dito baka gayahin ko din daw. i know i won't go that far naman noh. minsan hehe si red ung examples nya lumalayo sa topic hehe.. i mean, I WON'T DO THAT! i have a brain naman eh. and i know, from the bottom of the kalalim-laliman of my heart, i'm committed to him. un lang hehe. i'm not mad or anything, i just want bring it out.^_^ nothing changes between us, he's still my babuy and i know he's still mine.^_^

kuya jaurel said something na mganda kanina hehe. sabi nya na, fighting is a normal thing in relationships. it even makes the bond between the two, closer. i agree din nman, based on experience and isip ko din. kasi, if hindi kayo ngffight, prang you'd wonder.. does he stil care about me? doesn't he care?? wala lang.. and based on experience na din hehe. we had BIG fights between kami ni red.. REALLY BIG.kaya un, maybe that makes us stronger..^_^ or something hehe.^_^

anyway, i just want to bring it out.. i'm here and about to start on my research papers soo, i need inspiration.^_^

grrr.

haha, i've noticed na ung mga title ng post ko usually sounds. grrr, haay, hehe.. haha wala lang i am not a creative title writer. so sorry nlang haha. anyway, i don't visit this blog that ofter anymore. wala lang, it's frustrating kasi na, ppasok ng blog, hoping to find a comment or something un nman pala wala. nkkadrain haha! i might say na i don't care but i do. anyway, anyway hehe.

when was the last time i blogged na nga? see i can't remember oh! i don't know where to start my kwento haha. nga pala, i uploaded some pics sa multiply. multiply id ko, 02052005. haha tamad na akong mgpost dito eh habang storya pa haha. sakit kasi ang aking ktawan kaya aun, dun nlang hehe. malamig ngaun. coolld..

i miss red. pero at least lam mo un dear reader? hehe.. red doesn't have tampos na knwari, hindi ako mkainternet, text nlang kami. i don't know how i feel about this. part of me is happy, kasi at least di na xa nggalit over overly-simple things. but part of me is worrying and sad, kasi what if he doesn't care anymore? what if it's ok nlang na ganun kami? i don't want that. i KNOW that he loves me, but the greatest fear that i have is that, someone falls OUT of love. i can always say that, no that will never happen, mahal namin ang isat isa, but in reality, i think that can definitely be a possiblity. that is why, wala lang i pray and talk to God. He's the one I can turn to tlaga. anyway, wala lang, the othernight when it was "raining", i was talking with the Lord. i was pleading sa knya, Lord please bring my message across thousands of miles. I was, i don't know, believing in telepathy hehe. i was trying to talk to someone and really focusing na sana, even just a breath, mrinig ako ng taong un.

i wish telepathy was real. messages between thousands of miles, ung naririnig/nalalaman mo ung iniisip ng tao na un at that very moment. ohh such power.. i wish the world of magic were real. haay. but then, if magic did exist, how would i know the difference between reality and illusion? too many choices.

i'm just rambling on today, i don't know i just feel like talking. maybe this is what turns off some people from my blog! hahaha! anyway, shoot! nghang ata pgupload ko ng pictures. grrr. i hope not naman.

i'm hoping sana mkausap kami ni red hehe. i'm so mean, i'm wishing sana may pasok na ulit si red haha! wala lang, when he had class kasi, we got to talk soo un hehe wish he had class na.^_^ i am pretty held up this week with a lot of writing. haha i know that right now, i SHOULD be doing something productive, like write the introduction i so responsibly didn't know was due last thursday? or the rough draft due THIS tuesday. or the research papers in humanities and composition? WHY NOT SHOULD YOU ASK? because i am tired! i had a full day today, and yesterday! khapon, work, work, work! buti at the end we went to target.. relaxing haha in a way. i bought the phantom of the opera dvd, one of my favorite movies EVER! and have been singing to it since then. think of me.. think of me fondly, when they say goodbyeeee.. haha just love the carlotta scene! makes me remember jei ente so vividly! can just imagine her haha for the english monologue ahha. high school memories tlaga haha.

wow i've got a long post na. betcha konting konti, if meron mkkatapos mgbasa nito. haha.

was trying to find, the carlotta scene on youtube but to no avail.

as long as theezz thingz apen, THIS DOES NOT APPEENN! anyamo! bring my doggie! buh-buy! ANYAMO!