An Open Letter..

this blog really sucks because this is where I go to when I have problems. Today ain't any different. I just want to let out what I've been feeling.. it's 2 A.M. and I couldn't sleep because I just starting crying and I feel this heavy burden in me. I'll let this one out..


Dear Best Friend,


Remember that time in 3rd year high school when you said you didn't want me to be your best friend anymore? It was lunchtime and I think I hid in the bathroom. I cried my heart out, not caring what the other girls were thinking of me. I cried because I didn't want to lose you.. I cried because I didn't want you to not care about me. But I think someone told you where I was, I was actually in there with classes already starting, and you came. And you coming was comforting.. I remember when we got back to the classroom, this guy that sat next to us kept on asking, "What's wrong?? What happened?", just like when he keeps on bugging us about stuff we'd hide from him. And we just didn't answer him.. Yet, you were there telling me, "Uyy, sorry na, wag kana iyak."

What hurts is when you just feel it, feel that she doesn't want to be close anymore, doesn't want to be your friend. And what hurts the most is when you keep saying that nothing's wrong.. I've known you for a couple of years now, and I think I know when something's up. What hurts is when you still try, still try to keep that connection, yet it feels unreciprocated. And this is what hurts the most.. it hurts the most when I've actually believed that no one would come inside, comforting me, telling me to stop crying.

It's hard when you see yourself being put behind, way behind the line. It's hard to see yourself put second to the boyfriend. I had to get used to it, and I understand. But then it's even harder when you're put even lower down the pile, way behind people met only online. I try to keep a decent face, a smile even, so that maybe, you'd notice me too..:(

There was a time before, when my boyfriend would tell me, "You don't need to go online when I'm not, you don't need to talk to anyone else." And I've said, "What about my bestfriend? Don't I need to talk to her?" He kept pushing one way, yet I was pushing to the opposite. And in time, he understood. Now he tells me, "Don't talk to anyone else except me and your best friend, okay?" He knows now she's important to me.

You know what, I didn't have friends for over a year. I'd talk to classmates, but nothing serious, nothing deep. But now, since you're not into me as of yet, I've tried to make friends. Do you know what we talk about during the rare occasions that I do talk? "OMG! Don't you think this guy is cute??", "He's so gwapo!!", "Okay, sure, I'll help you with registering for school.." Best friend, I can't keep it up, you know I'm not that way. Not into guys.. You know me, they don't.:(

Remember the movie, The Princess Diaries? Mia wanted to be invisible.. I don't. Huhu, I'm here, notice me! Haha. I'd even be so blantant as to be 'Available' on Messenger, something I rarely do. Notice me, notice me! Other people have, they've asked me why I've just started going online. And inside me, I'd say, "because I wanted my best friend to notice me too.." I don't want to be invisible like Mia, best friend.:(

I remember that time when somebody asked us, "Why do you keep writing letters to each other when your in the same classroom?" And we mutually answered, "You get to kinda say what you really want to say when you write it down. It's awkward when you have to say it face to face, you tend to forget what you really wanted to say." And maybe, this is why I'm writing this all down. I just want to say what I really want to say..

I'm sorry if I'd done something wrong, I didn't know. But I hope you'd tell me, it's better to hear it from you than hearing that something IS wrong way done the grapevine. You're my best friend, I couldn't imagine my life without you.:( Don't keep me away..


Love,
Me

I'm really stupid for doing those things. I'm sorry my Red.. huhu, i really am.

My father is coming back from California today after merely a week of staying there. Why? Well, my mom told all the nasty details of my dad's extracuricular activities to his siblings. Now, my aunt, the one who told him to go work in California, was so angry about it that she told him to just go back and fix things. Sorry, but for me? I can't forgive my horny, bastard of a father. Harsh, right? Well, he deserves what is happening to him. Toying outside of marriage, and to add to that.. with an 18-year old girl, just my age. Stupid.

I've told myself (in my head of course.) repeatedly that I will not let my father walk me down the aisle when I do get married. If he protests.. screw him then, it's my wedding! My reason? Why would he walk me down the aisle to be married when he himself doesn't know what being married means? I've got a point right? Screw him.

The annoying part is.. the work he was supposed to do back in California, for a friend of my aunt's, could have gotten our family a fucking GREEN CARD. Yes, the ticket to the American dream. But he just had to screw around, eh? And now, I'll make a prediction. He'll be back, blaming my mom with all this. His fault dammit. No one else to blame but himself.

My boyfriend once told me.. There are no secrets that are not discovered. One way or another, his affair would have been discovered anyway. Just fuck off, father.

i feel really stupid. yesterday, while i was working, i heard this song wafting from the workshop..

Hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking..
Maybe six feet, ain't so far down.
Hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking..
Maybe six feet, ain't so far down..

After hearing that song, I felt something jerk inside of me. Heartstrings? Whatever. It's just something did twitch in me. So sad. It made me want to cry haha.. Stupid how a Creed song could do that to me, ei?

I feel so low.. need i say more?

Well, I don't know ANYONE who ever visits this site anymore so, i will blog here again. This is where I blog when I don't want just anyone I know to just read.

I'm feeling so down right now. as in REALLY DOWN. Tapos Kuya Jau pa made kwento about his plan to stay in the Philippines na when he goes home later this year. Not that I don't want Kat and Kuya Jau together, I want them together!, it's just it made me feel so bad about myself. Why can't I do the same? Why can't Red and I be together? How long are we going to wait.. I can't wait any longer. And it doesn't help that I don't get to talk with Red that often. He doesn't go online, and if he does, not for a long time. He goes online like.. humm, past midnight my time? Sometimes I fall asleep waiting, on other occasions, he can't go online even when I wait. How long can I stay like this? I love him a lot, but do I love him enough? I hope there doesn't come a time when I regret all the things we've had together, because I wouldn't want to blame me or him for anything. Lucky Kat and Kuya Jau..

Another thing that is keeping me down, is well my mom and dad. Don't want to elaborate, but it goes like this. My dad is cheating on my mom. Dad doesn't want to say sorry, even blaming my mom for "loving him too much". Now how stupid is that? Mom, on the other hand, just keeps on getting crazier and crazier each day. And me? In the middle. Well, it's not like i'm gonna forgive my dad in any near lifetime, but my mom is driving me crazy too. Paranoia, complaining, and everything else, I don't know until when I could stand it. Help me, will you?

Another is.. well, money. Or otherwise, lack of. It sucks.. blame it on my dad. And my mom kinda. Well, my dad went to the Philippines for two months for "my grandfather's death". Anywho, father kept asking for money, saying that it wasn't enough. Mother kept giving, thinking that it wasn't enough, according to what father said. Where do they get the money, I might ask? Where do they get the money that they do not have? ME. Oh how swell, since my money is conveniently in my mother's account why not use it, noh? Oh how convenient. And me the daughter, well what right do I have to refuse now, right? Now, my mother is complaining we do not have money, credit cards almost filled to the brim, and where is my money? Probably spent on some Filipino tramp/whore. Oh no, life is good for my father. Let us all starve to death.

And connected to that.. my birthday is this week. And just when I would want to spend something for myself, what do I use? Air? Water? "Oh no, got no money, we have to scrimp." Yey, Happy Birthday to me, indeed.

Hehe. And Red, on the other hand, Red my boyfriend who I have been bugging for a year now to send me something, even just a card, is not sending me a card. Reminded him more than a month ago, to make me one, since he hasn't sent me a card for my last birthday. But no. Well, I think not. Getting something from him for my birthday will be the joy of me, but, I am not expecting anything so sorry, no joy haha.

Happy Birthday to me, everyone. 'Happy' Birthday indeed.

what is happening?

I haven't posted here lately. Hehe I've noticed that i just go here to dish out on my problems. Well.. not a lot of people know about this blog kasi eh, unlike Multiply.

Anyway, here's my current dillemma. I don't even remember the last time Red and I last talked online.. I mean with both of us sitting in front of the computer, focusing on just us. I miss him.. I asked him the other day, through text though, when he would have any free time during the day. He said, his schedule is booked.. from 10-4 during tuesdays and thursdays (no breaks albeit!), with him tutoring at 5. :(

what about me bebe.. what about me. huhu. i want time too..

[H]ouse, M.D.

great. just GREAT. i was writing about House just a while ago, and behold. it's all gone. yep. pressed one button and poof, no more long blog entry.

anyway, to sum it all up, House is my favorite show on TV today. So much that he's inspired me to be a doctor, maybe someday. well, i just wrote about these stuff a while ago so i don't want to redo it again. maybe next time. it's 1 in the morning for crying out loud! Good night, cyberspace.

helo, helo dear blog.. long time no see? anyway hehe.. i just feel like writing, updating on what's up hehe. i just got my grades this weekend.. 4.0 GPA. all A's. first time haha. i worked real hard on this. ACT grades were well above the maximum points i need for the Nursing program. This means, i'm almost all set. i just need to get into the nursing program eh?


anyway, this month has been quite dull for me. me and red? I don't know. i don't really know. we're 'us' but we don't talk often. when i'm free, he's either out of load or doing something. he doesn't text me often too.. go figure. no load. i try to understand, i honestly do. but i can't stay in love with someone who's invisible. he's like invisible to me already.. i try to stay in love but he's not helping one tiny bit. what does he do to make me want to stay in love? does he constantly text or email just to let me know that he needs me too? nope. he says he's being loyal and stuff, doing this and that for us, but i don't see it sorry. this relationship, is so starting to get hopeless.


i've started playing ragnarok again. in chaos hehe. there i get to play with kat, kuya jau and all the other people there. initially, i wanted to make a character for red, but, he seems to not be online anytime at all so, split decision there. pff..


there was this "journal entry" (i.e. journal entry in quotes because i just wrote one entry in that notebook then stopped. hehe.) that i just recently uncovered and it quite disturbed and stirred some lost emotions i had before. here's a quote from it..

"with him at least, i have fun. with red, i have fun for a few days and then we fight again. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of his jealousy."

haay. i've been through a lot with red but honestly, A LOT of it aren't good memories. we've had awful fights, which most of the time led to me begging for his forgiveness even when i didn't know what the problem was. Right now, maybe what's making me hold on is his "love" for me. he says that his love for me will last forever and ever. that even if i do decide to break up, i'd be the "only" girl he would love truly. i honestly don't know. haay.


i missed blogging in this blog. this has been my outlet, mostly of problems. i just have to write them down. keeping them in will do me no good. so i write.. and i pour my being, into cyberspace and beyond.

i will start posting pictures with my entries soon. i've looked at my blog before april and it looked like a long electronic novel. haha. i've got to shake things up here.. less of the past and more of the current. i want color, vibrancy, life. i don't want blandness, idleness, nothing. oh well. i still need to experience life.


oohh look at what i baked yesterday. yummy.

crazy and confused.

easter weekend. well, it was a nice weekend spent with family.. singing songs in the car, eating our hearts out in the buffet, surprise egghunting, you know those stuff. went bisita iglesia-ing. which was okay. humm.. a nice respite from being cooped up in the house. a respite from going online only to argue with somebody.

i'm getting tired of it already. sometimes, it's like i don't feel anything anymore. i don't feel hurt, anger, frustration, nor love. just, nothing. i don't want to feel that way about this relationship. i've invested so much into it -- time, emotions, money, a lot. but then, when is enough enough? i know i should have asked this a long time ago, but it's really hard when you love a person. accepting him as he is.. thoughts muddled by love.. it's hard. but it's just so hard loving a person who has completely opposite ideals as i do. someone who wants to put our relationship first before anything -- before family, studies, having a life. i know in a way that's ok, you wouldn't wonder if he's cheating on you or not. but there just comes a point when i just choke. when i can't take it anymore. when i need other people too. as i told him.. "man does not live on bread alone." i can't live on him alone. if i don't see a change in his ideals soon, i just don't know if i could continue anymore. i've told him countless of times what my ideas are. the ball is in his court not mine. i know that i am perfectly fine, normal, sane. but he.. he cannot accept that he's wrong, that there's something wrong with him. haay. i just don't know anymore. i just don't know..

new background. hehe just wanted a change. more brighter.

helo there.

well, it's been a LONG time since the last time i've blogged here. just had to pick up on stuff, be detached, be normal. i don't know, this blog reminds me of bad emotions.. everytime i felt bad about something i'd blog about it here. only kat and kuya jau really went to this blog but i don't know if they still do because well, they're busy with each other. can't blame them though, they're happy eh hehe. good for them. well, wala lang maybe that's why i let off from this din.. sometimes when i blog here and they comment, they sometimes say things that really, don't make me feel better. no offense to them, they're great, pero sometimes it's just.. it's unconsoling hehe. pero i'm still glad for them.. kasi sila lang naman tlagang npagkkwentuhan ko ng lahat. hehe.

somehow, i miss my old friendship with kat. ung kami lang haha walang boyfriends hehe. when we would tell each other everything. i think we still do, well i do.. pero syempre there are stuff na sa boyfriend mo nalng masabi and ganun. la lang, msarap ung feeling na wow ako ung tnrust nya with her secrets ung ganun hehe. haay.. totoo nga ung sa human growth class ko.. as people enter late adolescence, mas priority na nila ang intimate relationships meaning boy-girl things. kpag middle adolescence, friendships pa ang mas priority, pero in that stage, prang it's building up ung friendships na un. oh well, so much for the lecture.:D

i watched the hills in mtv, ung whole season nya.. and guess what it reminded me of? huhu.. it reminded me of kat and me. eto kasi ung story nya.. dun sa start nung season, lauren and heidi just moved in together in their own apartment. they were the best of friends.. tapos heidi started seeing this guy, spencer and they started getting close. at first, lauren was all okay with it. tapos dumating ung time na lauren was not for spencer anymore. heidi was prang prioritizing spencer na more than lauren.. prang even if roommates nga sila wala nman prati si heidi. so lauren started going out with other friends, and even like started being distant to heidi. may mga times nga na kpag nghangout sila ksama ng ibang friends si heidi leftout na xa. so un.. pero even though minsan nman they bond parin.. pero nung ending prioritize ni heidi si spencer and moved out from her and lauren's apartment. ouch.

prang wala lang.. i really saw kat and me as them. i'll admit, prang ako si heidi huhu. prang tlagng pnprioritize ko si red prati. may time na nging distant kami ni kat.. tapos nung prang dumating sakin ang realization na kat is important too, aun bond bond ulit hehe. tapos nman ng mgkaboyfriend si kat aun may times na distant ulit hehe. aus lang nman eh part of growing up.. i just hope la lang, na kat will still be a part of my life, willingly diba hehe. panget naman ung prang ako nlang ung feeling na bestfriend ko padin xa. huhu that would suck really.

red and i are.. well, we are fine. i mean, walang away as of now.. pero i am still unsure kng uuwi ako. haay.. naisip ko, kpag i do go home, i might/probably lose my part-time job. kng legal sana akong mgwork that would be no problem kasi i could find work some other place. pero hindi eh. tapos may oppurtunity pa na prang mganda.. i mean, it's school stuff pero mgaadd sa credentials diba. haay. maybe this is really the time na mgfocus kami on schoolwork. cguro kaya ganito gnawa ni lord hehe. everything happens for a reason nga dba? oh well. will post often na here. kahit na walang mgbasa aus lang. i missed writing.

i just finished talking with kuya jaurel. wala lang.. last kong sinabi is.. natatakot akong umuwi, kasi baka prati nlang akong awayin ni red.. i'm scared.. wala lang, because of the past maybe. lam nyo ba before wala lang, natatakot ako kay red. kapag nggalit xa, he'd be an entirely different person. alala ko before, kasi 2:45 uwian ko pero 4:30 pa ako ssunduin, pmunta akong villamor. plan ko balikan ako. pero i don't remember what happened, nagalit xa. to cut it short, hindi ako nkabalik ng school ng 4:30.. went home late. know what he did? mental torture.. maybe? basta he wouldn't give me my bag.. i took my cellphone. ngttext na ung sundo ko, he deleted it. he scares me. ung lam mo ung calm terror? i mean, he's doing nothing physically, pero natatkot ka.

i'm scared. i don't want him to do those things again. but, can i really make him stop his old ways? i'm scared.. and lonely.

title-less.

i've noticed that i only write in this blog when i'm sad or what. haay. i just feel sad hehe.. it's sad to be alone. i know that i am not alone, i have people far away.. pero, iba padin ung kasama mo, as in ung nahahawakan mo at nakkita. it's been a long time since i've really talked to heart to heart with someone really close to me. it's depressing.. my life seems surreal, unreal, in an odd way. my life revolves around this laptop, my lifeline. it's like, the people i talk to here are part of the system. do you think there will ever be a chance that those people i could see? i never like tears, tears are for sissies. sissies like me..

haay... talking to kat kanina, i don't know. lam mo un, i would want to hear her kwentos pero deep inside, i don't. don't get me wrong.. wala lang, i feel kasi, sa totoo lang i feel hurt. why? because i know those things will never happen to me. not that there wouldn't be a chance, pero everything seems happening to her right now. hehe she's happy, i know it. wala lang, pero instead of lessening the depression, i feel it just adds to it. wala lang.. i'm happy for her naman eh.. gets mo ba? i mean, wala lang hearing kwentos, happy ones about her and kuya, makes me sad and just, even lonelier. when i go to red's house, he doesn't want me to stay hehe. i mean, ayaw nyang dun kami. once nga lang ako nkapasok ng bahay nila eh hehe. wala lang.. oh well, this is what happens when i go multiply/friendster/whatever surfing. i see other people's lives and wish mine was like that too. i think i have a self-confidence/self-esteem problem. haay. sad.

you know what i've resorted to? reality shows. my weakness/demise. currently watching a few.. real housewifes of orange county, top design, girls next door.. favorite haha, the hills, whatever. know why the sudden draw to the tellie?? got a tv in my room now. grr. more reason not to get out of bed. i'm on a bum diet. sleep, computer, tv, eat. and do it all over again. shet. now where is advancement now huh?

watched the season finale of the OC kanina. even though i haven't watched it for more than a year. anyway. well, i was watching it for the hype eh.. it was on the news eh.. "Season Finale of the OC, Thursday, right after American Idol, Only on FOX." soo, got my fix of American Idol, which i must say, i'm following also, and, watched the OC next. oh well, everyone was happy. broken down mansion.. moved to first home.. Summer and Cohen first living together, bumming.. watching tv all day.. Summer giving up dream of being an activist for GEORGE.. summer and cohen finally realizing wow we should do something with our lives.. summer went to be an activist saying, "Cohen, you are my destiny" aww how sappy.. and the end end END!! summer and cohen getting married. oohh so well i'm only interested in summer and cohen so what! haay. well, nice kind of a distraction i must say hehe. after that.. uhh.. nothing.

oh well got to sleep. need to wake up early. i hope. get to talk to red at least. hope. hope. hope. haay still sad. that summer and cohen thing helped though. ohh summer and cohen.

a harsh yet true realization.

i feel sad right now because i am so stuck. stuck in the past while everyone else has obviously moved on to a better pasture. right now, i don't know, i feel like crying in my own little cave. i see other people's multiplies, friendsters, whatever.. and i see them having fun, enjoying college life, living life. and i don't know.. i'm stuck. literally stuck. can't even talk to my best friend right now because her boyfriend's with her. and her laptop's dead so still. not that it's bad.. and not that i'm not happy for her. ala lang, i usually check her friendster, and still it's like, last logged in: 24 hours. i'm like aww.. she can't even say anything more than "helo" or something huhu in yahoo messenger nga eh. hehe you'd expect at least may emoticon or something or something longer pero wala.. just, helo.

i just feel so sad. hehe speaking of friendster pa.. wala lang i remembered, i was playing with the featured friends option sa friendster. xempre theres red.. kat.. red.. kat..? ok so i put kuya jaurel.. and nikole.. .... ... ... ... ... i couldn't think of anymore.. haha can you imagine that?? i've got like 400 atang friends in friendster and i can't even choose 6 out of the hat! shet. kat and red. after that, i'm sort of blank. yes, friend din nman si kuya jau, and si nikole, pero not like what i share with kat and red. haha lam mo nilagay ko nlang pra di nman mukhang bunge? i put ung filipina classmate ko ngang si giezel on there, and would you believe, ahoy-juniors. ok how lame can i be? hehe.

i'm always complaining about something noh? wala lang.. i'm really sad.

kinda bitter right now.

well, forgot my phone at home. shet. kaya eto nsa computer ako. grr. dun lang nman un eh i hope no one would read it. i painted my nails. french-tipped with a twist hehe. black tips hehe. oh well. not why i'm bitter right now. blah.


i don't like my dad. he does not like me. oh diba, perfect match. kgabi pnpabili nya sakin ung sa ebay thing eh ppunta na kaming target ng mom ko kasi anong oras na eh. 30 minutes nlang sara na. di pmunta ako dun. eh xa daw ggawa. di xa. eh di nman alam kng alin. edi turo ko. ganyan ganyan. eh naasar. sabi, umalis ka na nga lang! edi umalis ako. sabi nya eh. di snabi sa mom ko, pagalit nlang parati blah blah. edi momy ko tumtulong. khit na ako padin ung tntanong. grr. whatever. tapos bnilhan ko xa gloves.. para san daw. sabi ko, eh kasi malamig eh. hehe. totoo naman eh. oh well. ngaung umaga, late na mom ko. ayaw ako ihatid sa skul. fine. whatever. now what did i do? sheess. sabi ng mom ko, lambingin ko nga daw kasi, wala daw akong respeto sa dad ko. eh sori na pero i can't force myself to like my dad. i just do not like him.

here i am, again.

it's been a long time since i last posted a blog here. i haven't been posting anything anywhere anyway so la lang. life for me, has been crazy. well, red and i are ok now hehe, which is a good thing naman eh. just one more week until our two year anniversary hehe. it's ok i guess that we are like this.. a bit apart you know. he is now really focusing on his studies and i am too. haha toh nga pala on a great note.. you know what score i got on the first anatomy test?? 102/100 yeah!!! woohooo! ako ata ung highest hehe.^_^ well, it's great that i got off on the right foot! grabe saya ng feeling hehe first time eh! tapos first person na inannounce ko un xempre text agad kay red.^_^ weee..^__^ well, the only thing i could complain about is that, red and i don't talk as much anymore. maybe there's just things we have to sacrifice to get to the things we want, right bebe? hehe, wala lang and there was this one time na he said to me which really meant a lot to me. "beb, kahit na nglalaro tayo at puro laro ung snsabi ko.. wag mong isipin na un lang ung gusto ko ha? masaya ako na mgksama tayo at sobrang nammiss kita.." (not the exact words, pero close.) haay. i miss him too..

humm.. what else is happening? humm oh un pala, si giezel sa skul nkkasama ko nman kpag after anatomy hehe. well, don't think na that is a lot, it's just.. well, around 30 minutes kasi may class ako next. wala lang. aus lang naman xa. she watched full house too hehe. well, there's not a lot to say pa naman. i don't t know. well, i guess this is one step better than having to eat all alone again. even if we don't have a lot to talk about hehe. yet?

i miss kat and kuya jau.. i don't get to talk to them that much anymore. haay. hehe sana andun nlang kasi ako eh.. it's much better to open up kapag andun kaharap mo ung tao. haay.

eeewwkay so today araw. nyak. what-a-start. oh syet wait lang at ppatayin na ako ng mom ko klagnan na ung pictures. grrr bat pa kasi cam ko ginamit eh pede nman ung sa knila kaya yan tuloy ako kinukulit! *pause.* OK game hehe. well, today is a day, obviously. nothing special really happened.. ooh guess what? this is maybe the first time in a LONG TIME na nagising akong maaga! maaga meaning before 8:00 hehe. and know why? hehe i was gonna surprise red na maaga ako ngising para mkausap kami.^_^ pero, hehe sayang he was tutoring somebody eh. hey i didn't mention it pa pero red is tutoring somebody, a high school student daw, and he will get paid 1.5k every month.^_^ o diba hehe at least we are both moving forward hehe. he's slowly but surely getting his money back, and i am, trying to stay true to my goal na good grades this sem. haay speaking of, i'm quite exhausted already. wala lang, i just wanted to blog about something. kahit ano lang. tomorrow, school. i would probably see giezel again. haha. on her frendster describe nya sarili nya as a shopper.. shop, shop, shop. yikes hehe not that that is bad, it's just, whoopps baka magastos ko ang aking hard-earned pera sa shopping hehe. i'd do that when i get to the philippines nalang hehe. kanina nga nagiimagine na ako eh, kami ni red or kat ppuntang greenhills mgbbargain shopping haha. i'm more of a bargain shopper kasi eh. do not mind about brands naman eh. what i am looking for is ung my kind of style. ayaw ko ung oo nga branded nga ung clothes di ko naman type. kaya mapili din ako eh hehe. what's the difference ba if it's branded or not? will that make you more or less attractive? hehe wala lang nasa ngdadala naman un ng damit eh. so watch out tiangges and greenhills, i will shop there haha.

i was imagining na what i will do when i get to the philippines. nabasa ko sa blog ni paula (gf ni sean..) na for their first anniversary they went to tagaytay tapos sila lang overnight sila dun. which was sweet din hehe. i was imagining na, i wish red and i could do the same. hehe. pero i think that the most i could get close to that is kung may ksama kaming iba. ung hindi kaming two lang. soo, i want kat and kuya with us too!^__^ punta taung tagaytay tapos nun punta tau ng quezon!^__^ o diba masaya hehe. mgrent lang tau ng kotse/van para hindi na tau stuck.. problem is sino mgddrive! hahaha. pero hassle kung lam mo un commute.. cguro kng papuntang tagaytay pede pa pero, quezon? that might be hard. well, kng ksama mga cousins ko which is masaya din pede haha. wow ang layo na ng train of thought ko! first things first noH! dad ko pa nga di ko pa nacconvince eh hahahhaa. haay DAD. grrrrr xa naman parati ung problem eh. mom ko aus na responsible naman daw ako. the problem is my dad grr. haay time will tell.. i am so excited, i hope he doesn't spoil everything for me. haay.

ok, WE ARE BACK IN BUSINESS!

haha. red and i are back! no more away.. argument, OVER! finally din noh. it's been like 3 weeks na since we started fighting. don't jinx me, i don't want to fight anymore hehe. anyway, right now, one of my LEAST favorite people is here. ugh. parents invited her over for dinner. nyek. i do not like her. tita loretto. she's the one who calls red, "crazy." that was unwarranted advice ha parati tinatanong na, are you still boyfrend-girlfrend? and i bravingly answer, YES. ugh don't like her, AT ALL.

eto kwento. kanina, me and my mom were on our way to walmart tapos tinanong ko/state/sabi, "momy paalam mo na ako kay dady na uuwi ako sa summer ha." tapos sabi nya, hindi daw isang sabihan lang un. ooowwkkeeyy. so un the sermon/monologue started from there. "kelangan ng assurance ni dady na you won't do anything wrong kapag ikaw lang dun. Ang kinakatakot namin ni dady baka madala kayo ng emotions nyo bigla kaung mgpakasal doon. (whaa?) or baka naman pagbalik mo dito, buntis ka na. alam mo si ate louie?(ate louie = cousin) kita mo 23 lang ngaun pero ang dami ng problema. ngasawa ng pagka-'insert age' (can't remember basta YOUNG.) ngaun problema nanaman dun sa asawa, umalis sa trabaho nya and all. ayaw naming mging isang louie ka. ako (mom) alam ko you are responsible enough pero si dady un klangan mo kausapin." uhmm i don't think i will be that caught up naman, would i? if not, i know naman that kat and kuya jau will be there to keep my head grounded. i have set my priorities and i do not see myself married/baby-carrying anytime in the near future. kaya, if ever man something in that nature happens, i know what i have to do. helo i still want to like buy my own house, my car, and everything i'd want to get before that. by the time i do get that, i want to say na, i already satisfied my being unmarried and babyless. hehe. and having a job, made me kind of realize that. having a job brings me so much closer to the things i want to do. haay. tapos eto pa. sabi ng mom ko, "eh si alfred naman?" and i was like, eh si red nga mgssummer eh! since he went back to first year, he's doing all he can para mkatapos ng mabilis. i know that red made a mistake before by being kicked out and regrets it so much. hehe he reminds me that often, that this is his time to fix his life. i am pretty sure that marriage and having a baby are FAR from his mind right now. NO FREAKIN WAY. we have to fix our futures. we have so much to prove. no way are we going to make mistakes like that. no way. i hope not.

anyway, just finished dinner. kept my eyes on the prize (food hehe.) and out of sight from that tita loretto. eww. don't get me wrong ha maybe she is nice, pero, she is not my type. i mean, not my type na i'd be all kwento-ish and stuff. i'd stay civil of course pero, hey, don't mess with my life lady. haha. you have no right to say na my boyfriend is crazy and he is no good. you have no right to say that i should just break up with him and keep on checking everytime we meet if we are still together. sino ka ha? even katrina doesn't say something as blunt. EVEN my mother doesn't say that kahit na i've said some mean stuff to her. eh ikaw, WHO ARE YOU? katrina and my mom are the only ones that could sway my thought pero ikaw, you are not part of that.
*mean side of diane.* sorry na, i do not like her.

i bought red a card already.^_^ i don't know eh, i'm thinking na baka card nlang isend ko to him. how lame noh 2nd anniversary and i'd send a card? hehehe aus lang. i'm thinking of some other way of making it up. probably i'd try ung online thing na cake from online.. i don't know hehe. or i'd just send him money.. which i am not for actually. eh kasi naman eh, prang ang impersonal ng ganun. i'd love to send him something i thought of, pero shipping, is EXPENSIVE. ung dati i sent a package ke kat pero that was through my tito and ayaw ko lang mggambala pa ng other people to do my stuff. anyway, we'll just see how it works out.


to happy days ahead, with love and commitment, friendship and trust, marriage and baby LESS.. CHEERS TO THAT!

thank you to katrina and kuya jaurel, special mention hehe. wala lang without you guys supporting me, i don't know. baka i'm such a mess right now.. and also, thank you red, we are still together despite this awfully rocky journey. the waters might have been rough and choppy, pero at least we are going to have smooth sailing from here. i love all of you.

uhmm..

i've just read that blog kat sent me to read. humm. i think she made it for me. i don't know whether to feel happy or what hehe.. pero thanks kat.. it didn't say what i should do or anything.humm.. anyway, haay red is my intimidator, no doubt. but then there's my dad too but that is an entirely different story. red has this need for control, this belief that yes he is the man, he should be in control. hehe i don't know what led him to think this way, pero sana, he never had this stick-thorn in his personality. the red that i know, and have loved, is really a nice person. hehe you might think otherwise pero that's maybe because all the negative is focused. he cared so much for me and that is what stuck in my head. i saw the other side, now i've seen both sides of him. the bad and the good. pero ngaun prang ung naffocus nlang ung bad side nya sa ibang tao and that doesn't quite sit well with me. oo nga hehe mgkaaway kami ngaun, but he is still my boyfriend and i love him. hehe i feel stupid nga kasi in a way, i still want to protect him. i'm weird, aren't i? anyway, ala lang it feels wrong na people think it crazy to stay with somebody who is like red. kasi, that isn't the only side to him eh.

haay hehe diba i have to understand, be in the place of that person to understand him? hehe maybe that's what makes me wonder and think na, kawawa naman xa. this is what i think.. since lam mo un iniwan ko xa dun and he couldn't do anything about it, lam mo un he's defenseless eh prang even if he wanted with all his might to make me stay, he couldn't. kaya hehe maybe this is his way of making me stay. i've left him na before and ngaun prang ung gusto lang nya is my attention. he just needs my attention..

Thank you kat for that blog, post, thing hehe. thanks so much for caring.^_^ i am lucky to have kat as my best friend.^_^ anyway grr, it's 10:15 and my class is 11.. told myself na i'd study beforehand o diba bagong routine hehe. prang, ung time na hindi ko nkkausap si red, iaaral ko nalang. i promised him before this semester that i would work hard for this semester, to prove na hindi ako t****. pero now i realize, i don't need to prove anything to anybody, not even red. the only person i have anything to prove to is.. MYSELF. hehe.

this has been one whacked rollercoaster ride and i am very thankful that i have had the support of good friends. thanks kat and kuya jau.. thanks nikole for the occasional kwentos. and especially, i'd still want to thank red, because even with all the fights and tampuhans, even if we are still at it now, i know we've been through so much that the mere memory of those events, comforts me. Thank you Lord for the gift of people and friends.

shoot i'm bored.

haay. this is the way it's gonna be for 4 months. 3 headaching hours of waiting for my next class. haay. bored. super. i am currently listening to the osts of full house and goong, but then i'm tired of it na hehe no offense. i am not up to date na with any other songs.. haha eto naalala kong song, Paalam Na. rachel alejandro. currently listening to it na. is this an indication of something? i can't remember any tagalog songs na.. mymp lang.. can't even remember that song i liked na sabi ni kat, ung song>.< ano ba un? P.. p.. PANALANGIN!!!!!! shet took a lot of effort just to remember that.

haay. it's really stupid pero mgkaaway nnaman kami ni red. it's getting really stupid. know why si red ngalit this time? KASI ganito. class ko is 11 pero no one could bring me so mga 9 nsa skul na ko. eh sa skul ang alam ko hindi pede ang ragnarok. so sabi ko, YM tayo mgusap. di un no prob diba? sabi nya di daw pede "sira daw YM ng buong pilipinas." ano ako tanga? so di snabi ko eh bat knina pgtingin ko sa ym ko 10 na tao online? di cue tanong nman xa, "o bat ka online sa ym may kausap ka noh?" sabi ko nman, wala nga eh automatic na ngopen ym ko kpag bukas ng comp which is true nman. di sabi nya, sira daw ym nila sa shop saka wlang ym sa server kasi dun ung gngamit nya eh libre. di pilit ako ng pilit, xempre un sana ung way pano kami mguusap eh. di ang sabi, "bakit ba pingppilitan mo ung YM?! may kausap ka dun noH? bat ba hindi nilang dito(ragnarok) mgusap anong problema dito?? alam mo, hindi porket hindi ka nakkita pede mo na gawin lahat ng gusto mo." sabi pa nya, edi ausin ko daw ung chikka ko ganun ganun. eh ano ngang mggawa ko eh sampung beses ko na install tangal ayaw nga eh putik. di un bsta galit. shet. I'M SOO TIRED OF THIS. GRABE. HEHE. ako na nga ung sanang nghhanap ng way para mkapagusap kami AKO PA UNG MASAMA!!!!!!!!!!! shet grabe grabe. konti nlang cguro mgkkaron din akong high blood! haha. anyway, i am so tired of it. hehe ako nman parati ung malandi, ung nghhanap ng ibang lalake, WHATEVER. ako naman parati ung masama whatever the situation might be. basta mgaway, kasalanan ko. ako ako ako. kasalanan ko na nkkipagusap ako sa ibang lalake. kasalanan ko na hindi kami nkkapagusap. "it's all up to you beb, kng titino ka o ano.." SHET NMAN. why does it have to be me??

nung isang beses ako daw ung masama. alam ko naman daw kung san xa hahanapin bat hindi ako ng online sa ragnarok. why do i always have to go and be the one who's wrong and supposed to say sorry. why me? hehe wag ko daw gawing sheild ung pagging babae ko or whatever nung ngaaway kami. what?! haha wag ko daw sabihing hindi nya ako nirerespeto kasi ako naman daw ngppush sa kanya na gawin mga ganun. SEEE!! KASALANAN KO PA NGAUN KNG BAKIT AKOK MINUMURA AT TINATAWAG NA MALANDI? nice.

sorry at nglalabas lang ako ng mga hinanakit, both present and past. sometimes, i just don't want to accept it anymore. i'm tired of it. sobra. but then, here's the totally stupid part. even if ganun, countless aways, i don't know what keeps me coming back. it's stupid really. shet.

kanina i just didn't bring my laptop. i'm not going through all that effort noh, wala din naman pala akong mapapala. let's see ha. my guess is kng hindi ko xa kausapin ako nnaman ung masama. wild guess lang ha? at saka, he'll say na parati naman xa andun nghhintay, na hindi ko xa hinahanap kasi masaya naman ako. this is all a cycle. shit. i don't know how long i can take being with somebody who the hell doesn't trust me.

oh and saka pala first whole day ko in school ngaun. i got to meet a filipino. name's giezel? bsta ganun. oh well. will probably make kwento once the headache is gone. haha this is a full throbbing headache now. haha i have a habit na nga of bringing medicine in my bag. good. i can drink medicine. hope that calms my nerves. yet another long blog. haay. i'm so tired of this talaga.

Lord help me naman po. i know Lord that my boyfriend is an unromantic, strict, close-minded and jealous person, pero help me po through it. i do not want to say no, but somebody in me is saying otherwise. i'm tired na po kasi Lord eh, please give me renewed strength and courage.


Pabo Diane.

the song from Goong.

sorry nalang sa mga taong hindi mkanood kasi wlaang youtube!! wahahahha. anyway i like this song, sad true, i don't like yul that much. Chaegyung is for Shin. kaya wag ka kasi epal noh? hahahaha. But Yul is nice, yoko lang ung xa. gets? hahahaha. joke. i love ung part na ngsshout sila nung may train, it was so sweet.

anyway, klangan ko na maligo shet!!! hahaha. 11:30 and i have to be at work by 12. wish me luck. i hate work.

well, this sucks.

haha. wala ang panget ng title. anyway, I THINK i have sore eyes. have the symptoms eh.. red swollen eyes, muta (haha di ko alam sa english un eh! humm...), feverish and lack of energy.. uhm are the latter ones symptoms din? haha. anyway, i didn't go to Mass, bad me. well, i was "sick" haha. eh kasi nman eh, grrr i hate it! I DO NOT WAKE UP TO ALARM CLOCKS!!!!!!!! ganun ba ako kabatugan?! hahaha. ung ibang tao pa ang nggising sa alarm ko sa room! grr. nkaset na 7:30 sana ako mgisng pero 9 na ako ngising grr. useless alarm clocks.

anyway, i got to talk with red hehe. which leads to the reason i did not go to Mass. haay haay. woke up at 9 pero Mass was at 11. eh last night i slept quite early na din because my eyes were all puffed so, ayun i felt guilty naman and i wanted to talk with him. i wish the spark would go back hehe. i mean, i need sparks!! electricity! haha. well, red kasi is, unromantic. hehe, that's harsh coming from his girlfriend pero in reality, ganun eh, i have to settle with that. he is very interested in playing ragnarok. grr. ako, i play ragnarok to be with him. haha kaya nga hindi na nglelevel char ko eh! because i don't play it without him. hehe. anyway, sometimes quite a few minutes will pass without words. concentrate on the game, concentrate. hehe kanina nga, prang i was a zombie na.. GLORIA! GLORIA! gloriaaaa... gloriaa... hehe. anyway, kanina cguro nafeel nya na i was not 'into' it, kaya, sabi bigla, gusto mo sa town nlang tayo? and of course i said yes hehe. pero fate just wouldn't go the right way soo, poof! sira ang server ng shop! grr. but we did get to talk naman, a little hehe. nung first he wanted me to sleep na kasi sabi ko my eye nga was hurting. pero i wanted to stay.. i don't want to be the "invisible" girlfriend anymore. i'll be there, i want him to feel my presence.

oohh guess what. i weighted myself kahapon and guess what!!!!!!! i lost weight!!! unbelievable!!! hahaha. anyway, i don't know if dahil lang un sa baka sira ung weighting scale or what, pero the feeling was GREAT. haha OA ako, eh wala lang. holiday season and i lost weight? hehe ang galing lang. maybe starving myself does work haha. joke. well eh kasi yesterday i got up from the bed almost 5 na in the afternoon. hahaha. yes i did!! i didn't think i went for the bathroom even! thank you laptop!!! haha. with you *laptop*, my bed is my universe!!! hahahaahha!!!

humm.. what else to say. o right. it sucks rin pala, that i am not talking to kuya jaurel anymore. well, not talking that much? hehe. ang oa ko. haha wala, conversations are nice, and random conversations make me happier! hahaha. pero, just read this nalang kuya! if ever you are reading if you still want to hear about me hehe. i'm sorry din tlaga po.>.< hehe..

anyway, i think i need to rest my eyes for a bit. it's very itchy and scratchy. tomorrow's the first day of school. yuck. haha and guess what time is it? 6 in the evening. i hate it. grr. i'm tired of working. blah. o well, have to deal with it. will watch goong again para maabsorb ang stuff. ok. goong. let's go.

why?

sometimes i wonder, why? why? why? why? so many questions, pero only a few can answer. the heart, the mind, instinct.. haay. it's been weeks na since i last blogged pala. weeks na din pala since last na mgkabati kami. we text, walang expletives nman hehe thank God. he wants me to go online, my pride and other things get in the way. is what i'm doing still right? i don't think so anymore. haay.

i was thinking of this kanina and in a way, it hit me. cguro nga, courtship /should not end with the "yes, i'll be your girlfriend/boyfriend." diba, you have to do things din nman para hindi mwala ung spark? para mgstay in love sayo ung mahal mo? maybe this may be a reason why we are this way. cguro kaya ako nghhanap ng ibang kausap kasi hindi nffulfill ung "kilig" or excitement kay red. and i don't want it that way naman huhu. i don't want the flame to die.. lam nyo ba cguro nung kkadating namin, once every two weeks mgssulat ako kay beb. ngaun hindi na. nwalan na ko cguro ng gana haha. ala lang before ako pa ung mgppilit, 'uyy beb sulatan mo nman ako hehe..' and the answer usually is, 'bat ko pa klangan mgsulat nguusap nman tau sa ym o email?' or 'hindi ako marunong mgpadala..' eh yoko nman ng pilit hehe prang pinilit k lang na sulatan ako. kaya cge, di ko na pinpaalala. pero ala lang malungkot un ha. si kat nka-two na ba sa sulat, si nikole dati ngttake ng time mgeemail parati tapos kahit sa knya nkakuha na ako ng card, pero sa mismong boyfriend ko hindi. oh well. this is what i get for having an unromantic bf hehe, i've got to deal with that kahit na ako mdyo hopeless romantic.

i just finished watching Goong/Princess Hours/Palace hehe. and it was nice naman hehe, except for ung long dragging portions in the middle.. and the annoying parts ( hoy Shin/ Chaegyung, sabihin nyo nalang kasi eh!!!). pero all in all mganda naman. it had its share of kontrabidas and bidas. weee CG (Chaegyung.. haba eh.) and Shin loveteam. haha bitin ng ending, may morning sickness eh what will happen next? ABANGAN IN A YEAR, GOONG 2 hehe. based pala on a comic series kaya hindi pa tapo shehe. prang fushigi yugi cguro, pinilit mgkaron ng kasunod hehe. anyway wala lang, ung enthusiasm ko for these things made me in a way realize something.

mali din tlaga cguro ung gnagawa ko noh? ung talking with a guy behind red's back. cncompare ko kasi eh well, comparison with koreanovelas might work haha. in Fullhouse, Youngjae always gets selos of Hanji-eun and Minhyuk when they talk and gnyan ganyan. kasi nman ang sabi nya, what is there to tell na hindi msabi ni Hanji-eun kay Youngjae. tama din nman diba. pero, sakin nman is, un nga how would i say what i want to say kung hindi nman permitted/pwede? O ito naman in Goong, Shin was selos also of Yul and CG's friendship. un the usual hehe selos selos. anyway, i guess that is just how red feels.. dun sa isang episode, Shin went to Hyorin (other girl) para prang revenge nya kay CG. oh haay i'm blabbering nlang hehe. i had another point pa sana to put pero wag nlang i'll keep it to myself hehe.

anyway, sori "blog sir" at hindi ako nkkapagpost lately. i just keep nlang whatever to myself. i don't know why. probably because ayoko na mngdamay ng ibang tao hehe. if i have a problem, akin nlang un hehe. i don't need anybody else burdened because of me.

i just realized that i haven't greeted Merry Christmas and Happy New Year pa dito sa blog. hehe see how long this quarrel has gone na? haay. kanina at work, nanghhina ako. i don't know if it's because of lack of sleep or because sobra i was thinking of red kanina. i was thinking how much i miss him na. haay. well now, 2:30 am, do you think i should still check in ragnarok if he's there? an hour ago wala xa eh. it's been awfully quiet in YM nga eh. only 3 people online in my friend's list. makes me think, may brownout kaya or internet blockage or whatever? hehe wala lang. i miss na. oh well.. maybe i'll wait another day. i'll talk to him tomorrow. i'll just peek nlang ngaun.

anyway, next week is the start of school na. in na way, i'm excited.. to study. ughh wala lang, i wish my grades were higher. goal ko this sem is probable a 3.5? pwede hehe. anyway, till here mister blog, probably tomorrow i will visit. i hope. right now, i am droopy eyed and sleepy. grr. if only hindi ako 5 natulog last night, di ako ganito ka antok and groogy. do you think blog i should talk to him? haay. i'm sleeping. anyong.