An Open Letter..

this blog really sucks because this is where I go to when I have problems. Today ain't any different. I just want to let out what I've been feeling.. it's 2 A.M. and I couldn't sleep because I just starting crying and I feel this heavy burden in me. I'll let this one out..


Dear Best Friend,


Remember that time in 3rd year high school when you said you didn't want me to be your best friend anymore? It was lunchtime and I think I hid in the bathroom. I cried my heart out, not caring what the other girls were thinking of me. I cried because I didn't want to lose you.. I cried because I didn't want you to not care about me. But I think someone told you where I was, I was actually in there with classes already starting, and you came. And you coming was comforting.. I remember when we got back to the classroom, this guy that sat next to us kept on asking, "What's wrong?? What happened?", just like when he keeps on bugging us about stuff we'd hide from him. And we just didn't answer him.. Yet, you were there telling me, "Uyy, sorry na, wag kana iyak."

What hurts is when you just feel it, feel that she doesn't want to be close anymore, doesn't want to be your friend. And what hurts the most is when you keep saying that nothing's wrong.. I've known you for a couple of years now, and I think I know when something's up. What hurts is when you still try, still try to keep that connection, yet it feels unreciprocated. And this is what hurts the most.. it hurts the most when I've actually believed that no one would come inside, comforting me, telling me to stop crying.

It's hard when you see yourself being put behind, way behind the line. It's hard to see yourself put second to the boyfriend. I had to get used to it, and I understand. But then it's even harder when you're put even lower down the pile, way behind people met only online. I try to keep a decent face, a smile even, so that maybe, you'd notice me too..:(

There was a time before, when my boyfriend would tell me, "You don't need to go online when I'm not, you don't need to talk to anyone else." And I've said, "What about my bestfriend? Don't I need to talk to her?" He kept pushing one way, yet I was pushing to the opposite. And in time, he understood. Now he tells me, "Don't talk to anyone else except me and your best friend, okay?" He knows now she's important to me.

You know what, I didn't have friends for over a year. I'd talk to classmates, but nothing serious, nothing deep. But now, since you're not into me as of yet, I've tried to make friends. Do you know what we talk about during the rare occasions that I do talk? "OMG! Don't you think this guy is cute??", "He's so gwapo!!", "Okay, sure, I'll help you with registering for school.." Best friend, I can't keep it up, you know I'm not that way. Not into guys.. You know me, they don't.:(

Remember the movie, The Princess Diaries? Mia wanted to be invisible.. I don't. Huhu, I'm here, notice me! Haha. I'd even be so blantant as to be 'Available' on Messenger, something I rarely do. Notice me, notice me! Other people have, they've asked me why I've just started going online. And inside me, I'd say, "because I wanted my best friend to notice me too.." I don't want to be invisible like Mia, best friend.:(

I remember that time when somebody asked us, "Why do you keep writing letters to each other when your in the same classroom?" And we mutually answered, "You get to kinda say what you really want to say when you write it down. It's awkward when you have to say it face to face, you tend to forget what you really wanted to say." And maybe, this is why I'm writing this all down. I just want to say what I really want to say..

I'm sorry if I'd done something wrong, I didn't know. But I hope you'd tell me, it's better to hear it from you than hearing that something IS wrong way done the grapevine. You're my best friend, I couldn't imagine my life without you.:( Don't keep me away..


Love,
Me