I'm really stupid for doing those things. I'm sorry my Red.. huhu, i really am.

My father is coming back from California today after merely a week of staying there. Why? Well, my mom told all the nasty details of my dad's extracuricular activities to his siblings. Now, my aunt, the one who told him to go work in California, was so angry about it that she told him to just go back and fix things. Sorry, but for me? I can't forgive my horny, bastard of a father. Harsh, right? Well, he deserves what is happening to him. Toying outside of marriage, and to add to that.. with an 18-year old girl, just my age. Stupid.

I've told myself (in my head of course.) repeatedly that I will not let my father walk me down the aisle when I do get married. If he protests.. screw him then, it's my wedding! My reason? Why would he walk me down the aisle to be married when he himself doesn't know what being married means? I've got a point right? Screw him.

The annoying part is.. the work he was supposed to do back in California, for a friend of my aunt's, could have gotten our family a fucking GREEN CARD. Yes, the ticket to the American dream. But he just had to screw around, eh? And now, I'll make a prediction. He'll be back, blaming my mom with all this. His fault dammit. No one else to blame but himself.

My boyfriend once told me.. There are no secrets that are not discovered. One way or another, his affair would have been discovered anyway. Just fuck off, father.

i feel really stupid. yesterday, while i was working, i heard this song wafting from the workshop..

Hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking..
Maybe six feet, ain't so far down.
Hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking..
Maybe six feet, ain't so far down..

After hearing that song, I felt something jerk inside of me. Heartstrings? Whatever. It's just something did twitch in me. So sad. It made me want to cry haha.. Stupid how a Creed song could do that to me, ei?

I feel so low.. need i say more?

Well, I don't know ANYONE who ever visits this site anymore so, i will blog here again. This is where I blog when I don't want just anyone I know to just read.

I'm feeling so down right now. as in REALLY DOWN. Tapos Kuya Jau pa made kwento about his plan to stay in the Philippines na when he goes home later this year. Not that I don't want Kat and Kuya Jau together, I want them together!, it's just it made me feel so bad about myself. Why can't I do the same? Why can't Red and I be together? How long are we going to wait.. I can't wait any longer. And it doesn't help that I don't get to talk with Red that often. He doesn't go online, and if he does, not for a long time. He goes online like.. humm, past midnight my time? Sometimes I fall asleep waiting, on other occasions, he can't go online even when I wait. How long can I stay like this? I love him a lot, but do I love him enough? I hope there doesn't come a time when I regret all the things we've had together, because I wouldn't want to blame me or him for anything. Lucky Kat and Kuya Jau..

Another thing that is keeping me down, is well my mom and dad. Don't want to elaborate, but it goes like this. My dad is cheating on my mom. Dad doesn't want to say sorry, even blaming my mom for "loving him too much". Now how stupid is that? Mom, on the other hand, just keeps on getting crazier and crazier each day. And me? In the middle. Well, it's not like i'm gonna forgive my dad in any near lifetime, but my mom is driving me crazy too. Paranoia, complaining, and everything else, I don't know until when I could stand it. Help me, will you?

Another is.. well, money. Or otherwise, lack of. It sucks.. blame it on my dad. And my mom kinda. Well, my dad went to the Philippines for two months for "my grandfather's death". Anywho, father kept asking for money, saying that it wasn't enough. Mother kept giving, thinking that it wasn't enough, according to what father said. Where do they get the money, I might ask? Where do they get the money that they do not have? ME. Oh how swell, since my money is conveniently in my mother's account why not use it, noh? Oh how convenient. And me the daughter, well what right do I have to refuse now, right? Now, my mother is complaining we do not have money, credit cards almost filled to the brim, and where is my money? Probably spent on some Filipino tramp/whore. Oh no, life is good for my father. Let us all starve to death.

And connected to that.. my birthday is this week. And just when I would want to spend something for myself, what do I use? Air? Water? "Oh no, got no money, we have to scrimp." Yey, Happy Birthday to me, indeed.

Hehe. And Red, on the other hand, Red my boyfriend who I have been bugging for a year now to send me something, even just a card, is not sending me a card. Reminded him more than a month ago, to make me one, since he hasn't sent me a card for my last birthday. But no. Well, I think not. Getting something from him for my birthday will be the joy of me, but, I am not expecting anything so sorry, no joy haha.

Happy Birthday to me, everyone. 'Happy' Birthday indeed.

what is happening?

I haven't posted here lately. Hehe I've noticed that i just go here to dish out on my problems. Well.. not a lot of people know about this blog kasi eh, unlike Multiply.

Anyway, here's my current dillemma. I don't even remember the last time Red and I last talked online.. I mean with both of us sitting in front of the computer, focusing on just us. I miss him.. I asked him the other day, through text though, when he would have any free time during the day. He said, his schedule is booked.. from 10-4 during tuesdays and thursdays (no breaks albeit!), with him tutoring at 5. :(

what about me bebe.. what about me. huhu. i want time too..

[H]ouse, M.D.

great. just GREAT. i was writing about House just a while ago, and behold. it's all gone. yep. pressed one button and poof, no more long blog entry.

anyway, to sum it all up, House is my favorite show on TV today. So much that he's inspired me to be a doctor, maybe someday. well, i just wrote about these stuff a while ago so i don't want to redo it again. maybe next time. it's 1 in the morning for crying out loud! Good night, cyberspace.

helo, helo dear blog.. long time no see? anyway hehe.. i just feel like writing, updating on what's up hehe. i just got my grades this weekend.. 4.0 GPA. all A's. first time haha. i worked real hard on this. ACT grades were well above the maximum points i need for the Nursing program. This means, i'm almost all set. i just need to get into the nursing program eh?


anyway, this month has been quite dull for me. me and red? I don't know. i don't really know. we're 'us' but we don't talk often. when i'm free, he's either out of load or doing something. he doesn't text me often too.. go figure. no load. i try to understand, i honestly do. but i can't stay in love with someone who's invisible. he's like invisible to me already.. i try to stay in love but he's not helping one tiny bit. what does he do to make me want to stay in love? does he constantly text or email just to let me know that he needs me too? nope. he says he's being loyal and stuff, doing this and that for us, but i don't see it sorry. this relationship, is so starting to get hopeless.


i've started playing ragnarok again. in chaos hehe. there i get to play with kat, kuya jau and all the other people there. initially, i wanted to make a character for red, but, he seems to not be online anytime at all so, split decision there. pff..


there was this "journal entry" (i.e. journal entry in quotes because i just wrote one entry in that notebook then stopped. hehe.) that i just recently uncovered and it quite disturbed and stirred some lost emotions i had before. here's a quote from it..

"with him at least, i have fun. with red, i have fun for a few days and then we fight again. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of his jealousy."

haay. i've been through a lot with red but honestly, A LOT of it aren't good memories. we've had awful fights, which most of the time led to me begging for his forgiveness even when i didn't know what the problem was. Right now, maybe what's making me hold on is his "love" for me. he says that his love for me will last forever and ever. that even if i do decide to break up, i'd be the "only" girl he would love truly. i honestly don't know. haay.


i missed blogging in this blog. this has been my outlet, mostly of problems. i just have to write them down. keeping them in will do me no good. so i write.. and i pour my being, into cyberspace and beyond.

i will start posting pictures with my entries soon. i've looked at my blog before april and it looked like a long electronic novel. haha. i've got to shake things up here.. less of the past and more of the current. i want color, vibrancy, life. i don't want blandness, idleness, nothing. oh well. i still need to experience life.


oohh look at what i baked yesterday. yummy.

crazy and confused.

easter weekend. well, it was a nice weekend spent with family.. singing songs in the car, eating our hearts out in the buffet, surprise egghunting, you know those stuff. went bisita iglesia-ing. which was okay. humm.. a nice respite from being cooped up in the house. a respite from going online only to argue with somebody.

i'm getting tired of it already. sometimes, it's like i don't feel anything anymore. i don't feel hurt, anger, frustration, nor love. just, nothing. i don't want to feel that way about this relationship. i've invested so much into it -- time, emotions, money, a lot. but then, when is enough enough? i know i should have asked this a long time ago, but it's really hard when you love a person. accepting him as he is.. thoughts muddled by love.. it's hard. but it's just so hard loving a person who has completely opposite ideals as i do. someone who wants to put our relationship first before anything -- before family, studies, having a life. i know in a way that's ok, you wouldn't wonder if he's cheating on you or not. but there just comes a point when i just choke. when i can't take it anymore. when i need other people too. as i told him.. "man does not live on bread alone." i can't live on him alone. if i don't see a change in his ideals soon, i just don't know if i could continue anymore. i've told him countless of times what my ideas are. the ball is in his court not mine. i know that i am perfectly fine, normal, sane. but he.. he cannot accept that he's wrong, that there's something wrong with him. haay. i just don't know anymore. i just don't know..

new background. hehe just wanted a change. more brighter.

helo there.

well, it's been a LONG time since the last time i've blogged here. just had to pick up on stuff, be detached, be normal. i don't know, this blog reminds me of bad emotions.. everytime i felt bad about something i'd blog about it here. only kat and kuya jau really went to this blog but i don't know if they still do because well, they're busy with each other. can't blame them though, they're happy eh hehe. good for them. well, wala lang maybe that's why i let off from this din.. sometimes when i blog here and they comment, they sometimes say things that really, don't make me feel better. no offense to them, they're great, pero sometimes it's just.. it's unconsoling hehe. pero i'm still glad for them.. kasi sila lang naman tlagang npagkkwentuhan ko ng lahat. hehe.

somehow, i miss my old friendship with kat. ung kami lang haha walang boyfriends hehe. when we would tell each other everything. i think we still do, well i do.. pero syempre there are stuff na sa boyfriend mo nalng masabi and ganun. la lang, msarap ung feeling na wow ako ung tnrust nya with her secrets ung ganun hehe. haay.. totoo nga ung sa human growth class ko.. as people enter late adolescence, mas priority na nila ang intimate relationships meaning boy-girl things. kpag middle adolescence, friendships pa ang mas priority, pero in that stage, prang it's building up ung friendships na un. oh well, so much for the lecture.:D

i watched the hills in mtv, ung whole season nya.. and guess what it reminded me of? huhu.. it reminded me of kat and me. eto kasi ung story nya.. dun sa start nung season, lauren and heidi just moved in together in their own apartment. they were the best of friends.. tapos heidi started seeing this guy, spencer and they started getting close. at first, lauren was all okay with it. tapos dumating ung time na lauren was not for spencer anymore. heidi was prang prioritizing spencer na more than lauren.. prang even if roommates nga sila wala nman prati si heidi. so lauren started going out with other friends, and even like started being distant to heidi. may mga times nga na kpag nghangout sila ksama ng ibang friends si heidi leftout na xa. so un.. pero even though minsan nman they bond parin.. pero nung ending prioritize ni heidi si spencer and moved out from her and lauren's apartment. ouch.

prang wala lang.. i really saw kat and me as them. i'll admit, prang ako si heidi huhu. prang tlagng pnprioritize ko si red prati. may time na nging distant kami ni kat.. tapos nung prang dumating sakin ang realization na kat is important too, aun bond bond ulit hehe. tapos nman ng mgkaboyfriend si kat aun may times na distant ulit hehe. aus lang nman eh part of growing up.. i just hope la lang, na kat will still be a part of my life, willingly diba hehe. panget naman ung prang ako nlang ung feeling na bestfriend ko padin xa. huhu that would suck really.

red and i are.. well, we are fine. i mean, walang away as of now.. pero i am still unsure kng uuwi ako. haay.. naisip ko, kpag i do go home, i might/probably lose my part-time job. kng legal sana akong mgwork that would be no problem kasi i could find work some other place. pero hindi eh. tapos may oppurtunity pa na prang mganda.. i mean, it's school stuff pero mgaadd sa credentials diba. haay. maybe this is really the time na mgfocus kami on schoolwork. cguro kaya ganito gnawa ni lord hehe. everything happens for a reason nga dba? oh well. will post often na here. kahit na walang mgbasa aus lang. i missed writing.

i just finished talking with kuya jaurel. wala lang.. last kong sinabi is.. natatakot akong umuwi, kasi baka prati nlang akong awayin ni red.. i'm scared.. wala lang, because of the past maybe. lam nyo ba before wala lang, natatakot ako kay red. kapag nggalit xa, he'd be an entirely different person. alala ko before, kasi 2:45 uwian ko pero 4:30 pa ako ssunduin, pmunta akong villamor. plan ko balikan ako. pero i don't remember what happened, nagalit xa. to cut it short, hindi ako nkabalik ng school ng 4:30.. went home late. know what he did? mental torture.. maybe? basta he wouldn't give me my bag.. i took my cellphone. ngttext na ung sundo ko, he deleted it. he scares me. ung lam mo ung calm terror? i mean, he's doing nothing physically, pero natatkot ka.

i'm scared. i don't want him to do those things again. but, can i really make him stop his old ways? i'm scared.. and lonely.

title-less.

i've noticed that i only write in this blog when i'm sad or what. haay. i just feel sad hehe.. it's sad to be alone. i know that i am not alone, i have people far away.. pero, iba padin ung kasama mo, as in ung nahahawakan mo at nakkita. it's been a long time since i've really talked to heart to heart with someone really close to me. it's depressing.. my life seems surreal, unreal, in an odd way. my life revolves around this laptop, my lifeline. it's like, the people i talk to here are part of the system. do you think there will ever be a chance that those people i could see? i never like tears, tears are for sissies. sissies like me..

haay... talking to kat kanina, i don't know. lam mo un, i would want to hear her kwentos pero deep inside, i don't. don't get me wrong.. wala lang, i feel kasi, sa totoo lang i feel hurt. why? because i know those things will never happen to me. not that there wouldn't be a chance, pero everything seems happening to her right now. hehe she's happy, i know it. wala lang, pero instead of lessening the depression, i feel it just adds to it. wala lang.. i'm happy for her naman eh.. gets mo ba? i mean, wala lang hearing kwentos, happy ones about her and kuya, makes me sad and just, even lonelier. when i go to red's house, he doesn't want me to stay hehe. i mean, ayaw nyang dun kami. once nga lang ako nkapasok ng bahay nila eh hehe. wala lang.. oh well, this is what happens when i go multiply/friendster/whatever surfing. i see other people's lives and wish mine was like that too. i think i have a self-confidence/self-esteem problem. haay. sad.

you know what i've resorted to? reality shows. my weakness/demise. currently watching a few.. real housewifes of orange county, top design, girls next door.. favorite haha, the hills, whatever. know why the sudden draw to the tellie?? got a tv in my room now. grr. more reason not to get out of bed. i'm on a bum diet. sleep, computer, tv, eat. and do it all over again. shet. now where is advancement now huh?

watched the season finale of the OC kanina. even though i haven't watched it for more than a year. anyway. well, i was watching it for the hype eh.. it was on the news eh.. "Season Finale of the OC, Thursday, right after American Idol, Only on FOX." soo, got my fix of American Idol, which i must say, i'm following also, and, watched the OC next. oh well, everyone was happy. broken down mansion.. moved to first home.. Summer and Cohen first living together, bumming.. watching tv all day.. Summer giving up dream of being an activist for GEORGE.. summer and cohen finally realizing wow we should do something with our lives.. summer went to be an activist saying, "Cohen, you are my destiny" aww how sappy.. and the end end END!! summer and cohen getting married. oohh so well i'm only interested in summer and cohen so what! haay. well, nice kind of a distraction i must say hehe. after that.. uhh.. nothing.

oh well got to sleep. need to wake up early. i hope. get to talk to red at least. hope. hope. hope. haay still sad. that summer and cohen thing helped though. ohh summer and cohen.

a harsh yet true realization.

i feel sad right now because i am so stuck. stuck in the past while everyone else has obviously moved on to a better pasture. right now, i don't know, i feel like crying in my own little cave. i see other people's multiplies, friendsters, whatever.. and i see them having fun, enjoying college life, living life. and i don't know.. i'm stuck. literally stuck. can't even talk to my best friend right now because her boyfriend's with her. and her laptop's dead so still. not that it's bad.. and not that i'm not happy for her. ala lang, i usually check her friendster, and still it's like, last logged in: 24 hours. i'm like aww.. she can't even say anything more than "helo" or something huhu in yahoo messenger nga eh. hehe you'd expect at least may emoticon or something or something longer pero wala.. just, helo.

i just feel so sad. hehe speaking of friendster pa.. wala lang i remembered, i was playing with the featured friends option sa friendster. xempre theres red.. kat.. red.. kat..? ok so i put kuya jaurel.. and nikole.. .... ... ... ... ... i couldn't think of anymore.. haha can you imagine that?? i've got like 400 atang friends in friendster and i can't even choose 6 out of the hat! shet. kat and red. after that, i'm sort of blank. yes, friend din nman si kuya jau, and si nikole, pero not like what i share with kat and red. haha lam mo nilagay ko nlang pra di nman mukhang bunge? i put ung filipina classmate ko ngang si giezel on there, and would you believe, ahoy-juniors. ok how lame can i be? hehe.

i'm always complaining about something noh? wala lang.. i'm really sad.

kinda bitter right now.

well, forgot my phone at home. shet. kaya eto nsa computer ako. grr. dun lang nman un eh i hope no one would read it. i painted my nails. french-tipped with a twist hehe. black tips hehe. oh well. not why i'm bitter right now. blah.


i don't like my dad. he does not like me. oh diba, perfect match. kgabi pnpabili nya sakin ung sa ebay thing eh ppunta na kaming target ng mom ko kasi anong oras na eh. 30 minutes nlang sara na. di pmunta ako dun. eh xa daw ggawa. di xa. eh di nman alam kng alin. edi turo ko. ganyan ganyan. eh naasar. sabi, umalis ka na nga lang! edi umalis ako. sabi nya eh. di snabi sa mom ko, pagalit nlang parati blah blah. edi momy ko tumtulong. khit na ako padin ung tntanong. grr. whatever. tapos bnilhan ko xa gloves.. para san daw. sabi ko, eh kasi malamig eh. hehe. totoo naman eh. oh well. ngaung umaga, late na mom ko. ayaw ako ihatid sa skul. fine. whatever. now what did i do? sheess. sabi ng mom ko, lambingin ko nga daw kasi, wala daw akong respeto sa dad ko. eh sori na pero i can't force myself to like my dad. i just do not like him.

here i am, again.

it's been a long time since i last posted a blog here. i haven't been posting anything anywhere anyway so la lang. life for me, has been crazy. well, red and i are ok now hehe, which is a good thing naman eh. just one more week until our two year anniversary hehe. it's ok i guess that we are like this.. a bit apart you know. he is now really focusing on his studies and i am too. haha toh nga pala on a great note.. you know what score i got on the first anatomy test?? 102/100 yeah!!! woohooo! ako ata ung highest hehe.^_^ well, it's great that i got off on the right foot! grabe saya ng feeling hehe first time eh! tapos first person na inannounce ko un xempre text agad kay red.^_^ weee..^__^ well, the only thing i could complain about is that, red and i don't talk as much anymore. maybe there's just things we have to sacrifice to get to the things we want, right bebe? hehe, wala lang and there was this one time na he said to me which really meant a lot to me. "beb, kahit na nglalaro tayo at puro laro ung snsabi ko.. wag mong isipin na un lang ung gusto ko ha? masaya ako na mgksama tayo at sobrang nammiss kita.." (not the exact words, pero close.) haay. i miss him too..

humm.. what else is happening? humm oh un pala, si giezel sa skul nkkasama ko nman kpag after anatomy hehe. well, don't think na that is a lot, it's just.. well, around 30 minutes kasi may class ako next. wala lang. aus lang naman xa. she watched full house too hehe. well, there's not a lot to say pa naman. i don't t know. well, i guess this is one step better than having to eat all alone again. even if we don't have a lot to talk about hehe. yet?

i miss kat and kuya jau.. i don't get to talk to them that much anymore. haay. hehe sana andun nlang kasi ako eh.. it's much better to open up kapag andun kaharap mo ung tao. haay.